March 6, 2003
Cincinatti, OH 45202
Last evening, the general membership of the Philolexian Society,
Columbia University's student organization dedicated to improving
the rhetorical skills and literary awareness of its members, voted
to name Vicks VapoRub the official mentholated ointment of the
society. We make this designation in recognition of the outstanding
contributions to American literature made by the promoters of
Vicks products. Unlike some other mentholated ointments we have
seen on TV, "rubbing VapoRub on your chest or throat is not likely
to cause drowsiness or jittery side effects the way some oral
Avoiding the drowsiness and jittery side effects that can result
from taking oral medications has long been a goal of the Philolexian
Society. Many members of this esteemed society doubtless remember
a meeting prior to the winter holidays to which the former Sergeant-at-Arms
showed up extremely strung-out on Sudafed and behaved in a most
disturbing manner for the remainder of the night, slumping over
in her chair and declaring herself to be several different Biblical
figures within the space of an hour. While the rest of us would
never engage in such disgraceful overdosage as did this member
who shall remain nameless, certainly the availability of alternative
means to sinus salvation could only help us in our quest for utmost
dignity at all times.
Since Vicks VapoRub is applied externally, it does not interact
with other medications the way pills can; we Philolexians believe
this to be a splendid phenomenon indeed. Nothing could be more
deleterious to a good rebuttal or "moo" argument than egregious
drug interactions due to attempts to imbibe or mainline menthol.
You savvy folk at Vicks have spared us this embarrassment by keeping
your soothing mentholated goodness on the outside of our bodies
where it belongs.
I have been charged with the duty of informing you of this designation,
which we hope you will deem an honor. Though the Philolexian Society,
established in 1802, is Columbia's oldest student organization,
and one of the oldest literary societies in the country, it has
never before seen fit to name an official mentholated ointment.
The undeniable kindred spirit between your company and our society,
manifest in Vicks VapoRub, drove us to break all precedent in
this case. We hope that it will also facilitate friendly contact
between us in the future. I thank you for your patience and wish
you a pleasant spring.