If God,
Then: Newark, New Jersey
Or: Up, Up, Down, Down, Right, Left, Dog Poop
Or: God/Jay Michaelson: The Antichrist?
by Michal Richardson, BC'06

Have you heard? God’s everywhere!
Your nose, your gall bladder, your hair
Alpaca farms! Axe body spray!
Strap in, ‘cause you can’t get away.

God is every blade of grass,
God is when you wipe your ass
God is the Sears catalog;
God and I just shot your dog.

God is those wafers that you eat
And in the floorboards ‘neath your feet
‘Cause God can transubstantiate
And God can watch you masturbate.

God is Cheney, God’s Santorum
God’s your World of Warcraft forum
God made Taye Diggs’s’s chin sexy,
Sparking my God-given apoplexy.

National Enquirer headlines!
Writer’s block at thesis deadlines!
Bloody strife in Vietnam
And yes, God’s even in your mom.

How is God the tallest tree
But also Vogon poetry?
Cancer! Famine! Halitosis!
You’d think we’d have been warned by Moses.

But no, it’s all this “Love thy God,”
And “I’m a gullible nimrod,”
Moses, you might have got a gun,
But God is out to get you, son.

Just whose side do you think God’s on?
It’s probably not teenage moms.
How ‘bout blustering Bible-bangers?
And God, it seems, loves wire hangers.

If the omniscient creator
Is even in my refrigerator
If I started eating now,
I could take God down, cow by cow!

How to destroy the divine provider?
The folks at the Large Hadron Collider
Just won’t work swiftly enough.
So I’ve turned to hardier stuff.

Columbians! You’re young; you’re spry
Help the apocalypse draw nigh.
Join forces and this won’t take long:
I sense the God within you’s strong.


First Runner-Up
Second Runner-Up
Dishonorable Mention
Dishonorable Mention
Dishonorable Mention
Dishonorable Mention
The Philolexian Society
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