Hamilton and Madison
by Alec Webley, Penn C’11

When Just Scalia did declaim
- all logic here contrary -
“The Framers never once proclaimed
A right for gays to marry

For only in the first intent
And character of founders
Can we a civil right invent
And absent that, this flounders”

I was bemused, and quite distraught
For by this understanding
He had no choice but there to wrought
The rights we were demanding.

For I can show, for all to see
Well, really, all to hear
That the framers of this land of thee
Were mostly flaming queer

Of authors of our founding charter
Two were most influential
Both Madison, do all agree
With Hamilton, were essential.

But hark – tonight – I shall reveal
A piece of correspondence
That will our wound with Ant’nin heal,
And grant gays indepondence:

Attend my friends, and hear in verse
Hear well, my selfsame sex,
This letter written in his hand,
From J Mad to Alex.

Hamilton – New York – well-dressed
And James genteel Virginian,
Both had that love which cannot rest
Despite public opinion.

“Dear Alex” – James declaimed,
“It has been too long since we parted
Too long since Philly, where we framed,
And our romance was started.

Ah, I remember well that day
When first our states united
My mood back then was not so gay
With melancholia I was plighted

Quorum was so hard, back then
The men were far between
So imagine when I saw in Penn,
Your quill as from a dream.

Remember our first night? When my
Virgin…ia Plan you’d taken
And with your principles apply
My thoughts when we had wakened

Oh, to see your large, be-tarrifed ports!
To meet your firm militia!
To sate myself before your Courts!
Like genies do the wisher!

Apportion me! (since I am free
Don’t compromise my members
Three fifths is not enough of thee
To light my love’s hot embers)

Like Congress, let us not adjourn
Until our Houses both agree
To overturn Time’s vetoes stern
And validate our heart’s decree

To recess in Philly’s quiet parts,
Where once we lay for hours,
And whispered softly there our hearts’
enumerated powers.

O, let your General Welfare Clause
Be Necess’ry and Proper
To wrap me in your Union laws
And promissory estoppel.

Oh, kiss me – but judicially
Reviewing all objections
And judging Constitution-ly
To measure our affections

And if we two must separate,
I’ll let our Charter be my guide,
To let us commerce interstate,
And come unfettered to your side.”

James Madison goes on – but here
This Federalist I’ll stop reading
And simply say to willing ear
The end of the preceding.

For their romance was like this land
(In debating their ideals)
Was big or small state what they’d planned?
The answer this reveals:

When deciding what the founders meant
Like Madison the fop
We say they like small government
But Hamilton’s on top.


First Runner-Up
Dishonorable Mention
Dishonorable Mention
Dishonorable Mention
Dishonorable Mention
Dishonorable Mention
The Philolexian Society
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