Funeral Oration Over the Crater of Senator Theodore Stevens

or: Panegyric to the Apotheosis of a Patriot

by Andrew Hamilton GS '13

My friends, patriots and countrymen. We are gathered here today, not only to crawl from the wreckage of this single-engine amphibious plane and weakly call for help, but also to honor the memory of our fallen hero, the Alaskan of the Century, a towering figure among men and Alaskans: the late United States Senator Theodore Stevens.

My friends, the world will little note nor long remember

The giblets splattered here today

For we cannot consecrate this crater. The brave man scattered here

Has consecrated it far beyond our poor power, and line of sight.

Oh Ted, your fall from grace was swift and askew

Corruption convictions and faulty avionics teamed up on you.

Too soon did vengeful Hovah call you home, young man.

Was it all part of his and the Democrats’ plan?

Or maybe he just wanted to hold you real close.

It’s really cold. Has anyone called for help?

Oh, and those Judases in criminal court

Who Judas’ed you as if for sport

When told that you eternally now dream

Will weep that you’ve escaped their liberal scheme

Oh noble Ted, you embiggened these United States

By half a million square miles, and hundreds of people.

Alas. You’re earmarking vast federal appropriations for projects in heaven now.

I don’t have a cell signal. Does anyone have a signal?

O, Father of the noblest State, that mighty bulwark ‘gainst the Reds,

Even in death you fertilize its tundra’d fields and verdant flower-beds!

To us from failing hands you threw

The briefcase full of unmarked bills

Because banks and ethics panels sure ask a lot of questions, yes they do,

And why can’t some dudes pay for your home improvements if they want to?

Do we have any food? It’s getting dark.

Great Theodore, your Internets have now been sent

To a greater network

Where they cannot be tangled up with all these things going on the Internet commercially.

O, Smart Ted, to disintegrate in burning wreckage betimes away

from tubes where glory does not stay

because those tubes can be filled, they’re not a big truck

not something you just dump something on.

Grand juries can no more touch you now

Than East Coast lawyers can through Alaska’s icy tundras plow

Because they are effete.

Godspeed, Senator.


Also, I call not it on being eaten first.

and additionally...

Dulce et Decorum Est Pro Loko Mori or, Nanny State 911 and the Four Lokos of the Apocalypse

They came first for the 180-proof Everclear,

and I didn't speak up because I wasn’t an alcoholic.

Then they came for the absinthe,

and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a fancy French guy.

Then they came for the Jews,

and I didn't speak up because I didn’t like Manischewitz.

Then they came for the Four Loko

and by that time no one was left to speak up.

The Philolexian Society
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