Funeral Oration Over the Crater of Senator Theodore Stevens
or: Panegyric to the Apotheosis of a Patriot
by Andrew Hamilton GS '13
My friends, patriots and countrymen. We are gathered here today, not only to crawl from the wreckage of this single-engine amphibious plane and weakly call for help, but also to honor the memory of our fallen hero, the Alaskan of the Century, a towering figure among men and Alaskans: the late United States Senator Theodore Stevens.
My friends, the world will little note nor long remember
The giblets splattered here today
For we cannot consecrate this crater. The brave man scattered here
Has consecrated it far beyond our poor power, and line of sight.
Oh Ted, your fall from grace was swift and askew
Corruption convictions and faulty avionics teamed up on you.
Too soon did vengeful Hovah call you home, young man.
Was it all part of his and the Democrats’ plan?
Or maybe he just wanted to hold you real close.
It’s really cold. Has anyone called for help?
Oh, and those Judases in criminal court
Who Judas’ed you as if for sport
When told that you eternally now dream
Will weep that you’ve escaped their liberal scheme
Oh noble Ted, you embiggened these United States
By half a million square miles, and hundreds of people.
Alas. You’re earmarking vast federal appropriations for projects in heaven now.
I don’t have a cell signal. Does anyone have a signal?
O, Father of the noblest State, that mighty bulwark ‘gainst the Reds,
Even in death you fertilize its tundra’d fields and verdant flower-beds!
To us from failing hands you threw
The briefcase full of unmarked bills
Because banks and ethics panels sure ask a lot of questions, yes they do,
And why can’t some dudes pay for your home improvements if they want to?
Do we have any food? It’s getting dark.
Great Theodore, your Internets have now been sent
To a greater network
Where they cannot be tangled up with all these things going on the Internet commercially.
O, Smart Ted, to disintegrate in burning wreckage betimes away
from tubes where glory does not stay
because those tubes can be filled, they’re not a big truck
not something you just dump something on.
Grand juries can no more touch you now
Than East Coast lawyers can through Alaska’s icy tundras plow
Because they are effete.
Also, I call not it on being eaten first.
Dulce et Decorum Est Pro Loko Mori or, Nanny State 911 and the Four Lokos of the Apocalypse
They came first for the 180-proof Everclear,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn’t an alcoholic.
Then they came for the absinthe,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a fancy French guy.
Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak up because I didn’t like Manischewitz.
Then they came for the Four Loko
and by that time no one was left to speak up.