I for one found this poem, whose author shan't be named given the field he's planning to go into and some illusion of demureness he's hoping to maintain there, particularly fitting: for whom does bad poetry not immediately conjure up thoughts of Valentine's Day? Alas, we shan't be able to recreate the very fine slideshow with which he enhanced our viewing pleasure—more's the pity. Without further adieu:

11 Valentine's Day Cards:

Or, “Romantic Messages for that 'Special' Someone”

Or, “Nothing Says ‘I Love You’ Like a Restraining Order”

by F. J.

Prologue: Surprises

Surprise surprise!

It's Valentine's Day!


Good thing you've got

your pepper spray.

1: Alive

Bill Cosby is black,

and this taxi is yellow


You make me quiver

like horse-ghosts in Jell-O.

2: The Atomic Woman

Brave men raised the flag

over old Iwo Jima.


Girl, you da bomb,

that flattened Hiroshima.

3: Early Grey, Stalker.

Badminton's weird,

but tea is delicious.


I see you in the bushes,

doing something suspicious.

4: Sapiosexual.

Bullets are lead,

and that glow is uranium.


Your brain is so fine

I want my dick in your cranium.

5: Cards for all occasions, eschatons included.

How fragile are we

in this sprawling metropolis.


I'll have your back

in the zombie apocalypse.

6: Hedonism

The train, it has left,

and the pie, it is baked.


I know this doesn't rhyme,

but let's all get naked.

7: Paging Doctor Blood Fetish

Septicemia's tragic,

and Swine Flu's upsetting.


Won't you come back to my place

for some old-time bloodletting?

8: Cleanse Your Soul.

Blasphemy is a sin,

and Babel was a tower.


I want to know you,

biblically, in the shower.

9: The Importance of Language

I wasn't mugged or hit by a car,

despite what you probably heard.


It's just that I forgot

the safeword.

10: The Classic.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,


Close your eyes and bend over,

Let's try something new!

The Philolexian Society
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