What do you tell parents about the normal developmental stage that kids go through when they learn about the differences between the genders (and their genitals)? What advice do you give parents who are uncomfortable with this type of talk among their children, and who want this subject to be more "private"? If children (young school age, such as 4-6 y.o) touch eachother's genitals, is this considered more than just curiosity and something more worrisome?

By 3, children are increasingly aware of gender roles and genital differences. They are very interested in their own and others' bodies, and masturbation is common if not universal. There are a couple parts to your question. Pediatricians do get questions about masturbation, because most people know kids shouldn't be scolded for it but they don't feel comfortable with it. I suggest they try not to show a lot of feeling about it, maybe acknowledge that a lot of kids like to explore their bodies, but that it's private, and that kind of touching oneself is for when you're alone in bedroom or bathroom. Similarly, talk about anatomy and sex between parent and child should frequent and casual, but should be treated as personal, not for a group. You can't really control talk among 5 and 6 year olds, but you can model a tone, and make it clear that silly joking and teasing about sex are not among the topics you will allow to continue if they let you hear them.

I would venture a totally different position toward touching each other. It is common and usually mutual, but I would be very careful. It is normal but quite frightening to kids who do it, whether they are the initiators or the goers-along. The situation lends itself to coercion, and even more, to problems. If one parent is shocked when he or she learns of it , s/he often attributes coercion to the other child. If there is an age difference of a year or more, there probably is some coercion involved.

I believe adults should protect children from touching by other children. If a parent knows or suspects this type of play is going on they need not accuse or scold, but they should supervise playtime more closely or sometimes may need to avoid any play with the other child. I don't mean to be ambiguous, but the topic is ambiguous. They don't need to worry that it happened, but they do need to intervene (not criticize, or even explain why they're staying in closer.)

Additionally, this is a litiginous and sex-obsessed society in which very young boys can be legally prosecuted for this "normal" play. It is normal, but not particularly constructive, and certainly not necessary. If they do it once in a while, it will probably slip by, but a lot is a problem. Other parents or teachers may react in such a way that a very young boy gets in a lot of trouble over this. If the other child is a girl, even if she initiates the play, he will usually take the blame if anyone gets upset.

I would be happy to discuss specifics about this case if you want to talk.

Yours, Harriet McGurk