The Philolexian Society
Columbia University
New York, NY 10027

February 5, 2017

Columbia University Facilities
410 West 118th Street
New York, NY 10027�

Dear Columbia University Facilities Department:

Last Thursday, the general membership of the Philolexian Society, Columbia University's student organization dedicated to improving the rhetorical skills and literary awareness of its members, voted to name the elevated grate on the east side of the International Affairs Building the official grate of the society. We make this designation in recognition of the outstanding contributions to American literature made by those who have squatted on or downwind of this grate in pursuit of warmth and comfort amidst the stressful environment at Columbia University in the City of New York.

On the cold night of February 2nd, a fire alarm in East Campus caught our esteemed society off guard, leaving us to rush outside in Hawaiian shirts, shorts, and flip flops. Due to our strong commitment to studying light beach reading and denying the seasonal realities of winter in New York City, our society defied Punxsutawney Phil’s predicted six more weeks of winter. Oh, how grateful we were to discover the bountiful and life-giving hot air billowing out from the elevated ventilation grate on the east side of the International Affairs Building.

Finding a place that keeps us warm while both physically and emotionally supporting the full weight of our members has long been a goal of the Philolexian Society. It is due to the fortuitous placement of this very grate that the members of the society were able to feel warm while looking cool. Although this grate does not also grate cheese, it does protect the ventilation system from falling de-bri(e)s.

I have been charged with the duty of informing you of this designation, which we hope you deem an honor. Though the Philolexian Society, established in 1802, is Columbia's oldest student organization, and one of the oldest literary societies in the country, it has never before seen fit to name an official grate. The undeniable kindred spirit between your department and our society, manifest in the grate on the east side of the International Affairs Building, drove us to break all precedent in this case. We hope that it will also facilitate friendly contact between us in the future. I thank you for your patience and wish you a pleasant year.


Miss Neville & Mr. Obradovic

Nomenclaturists General


February 6, 2017
The Philolexian Society
Columbia University
New York, NY 10027

Dear Members of the Esteemed Philolexian Society:

I think that I shall never see, An e-mail lovely as one from your Society;

For at a time when you needed it most, The unsung grate was a warm host;

Though it doesn’t grate cheese, it transformed you to Bermuda, Resolved: The Philolexian Society Has Never Had It So Gouda;

Who knew that in the face of New York’s winter weather, Grates can bring students and administrators together;

We are indeed quite honored by your designation, Just think of what this can do for our nation;

So pop the cork and break open the champagne, Together we are Making America Grate Again

Mr. Held
Inwrítere General

The Philolexian Society
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