Last evening, the general membership of the Philolexian Society, Columbia University's student organization dedicated to improving the rhetorical skills and literary awareness of its members, voted to name your Aberfoyle Springs spring water the official Canadian spring water of the Society. We have chosen your product in recognition of the colossal efforts to which you have gone to bring your product to our humble New York market.
On its label, your product proudly identifies itself as “imported natural spring water.” Elsewhere on the label, it is also mentioned that Aberfoyle Springs water is a “product of Canada.” Considering the great distance from Ontario to New York, and the narrow, tightly-patrolled border between Canada and the United States, we suspect that only the best of Ontario’s products find their way here. Furthermore, the monolithic bureaucracy which has closely scrutinized all Canadian imports since the passage of NAFTA must have made it a difficult and frustrating battle for you to allow us to enjoy your product. We at Philo also face constant struggle with our school’s entrenched bureaucracy and thought that we should reward your similar efforts in that regard by naming Aberfoyle our official Canadian spring water.
I have been charged with the duty of informing you of this designation, which we hope you will deem an honor. Though the Philolexian Society, established in 1802 by associates of Alexander Hamilton, is Columbia's oldest student organization and one of the oldest literary societies in the country, it has never before seen fit to name an official Canadian spring water. The undeniable kindred spirit between your company and our society, manifest in Aberfoyle Springs, drove us to break all precedent in this case. We hope it will also lead to friendly contact between us in the future.