Last evening, the general membership of the Philolexian Society, Columbia University's student organization dedicated to improving the rhetorical skills and literary awareness of its members, voted to name your Food For Life All Fresh Yogurt Raisins the official yogurt raisins of the society. We make this designation with great joy but with some confusion arising from our prejudice that a fresh raisin was no raisin at all but a grape. Yet, the existence of your fresh raisins on the market clearly disproves our misconception, and we Philolexians, who strive ever for the truth in our weekly debates, stand humbly and happily corrected.
We are furthermore impressed by your company's deep understanding of concepts which are fundamental to the existence of a society like ours. Being participants in a rich tradition fighting ever to come to grips with the blase of the modern high-tech world, we have always valued the concept and practice of self-aggrandizement. Yet none of our grandiose announcements and declarations could ever compare with the laudable impudence you have displayed in calling your company America's Favorite Health Food Company. Thanks to you, we now realize that we are America's Favorite Literary-Debate Society, and we return the favor by naming your yogurt raising our society's official yogurt raisins.
I have been charged with the duty of informing you of this designation, which we hope you will deem an honor. Though the Philolexian Society, established in 1802, is Columbia's oldest student organization, and one of the oldest literary societies in the country, it has never before seen fit to name an official yogurt raisin. The undeniable kindred spirit between your company and our society, manifest in Food For Life All Fresh Yogurt Raisins, drove us to break all precedent in this case. We hope that it will also facilitate friendly contact between us in the future. I thank you for your patience and wish you a pleasant fall.