Last evening, the general membership of the Philolexian Society, Columbia University’s student organization dedicated to improving the rhetorical skills and literary awareness of its members, voted to name Pure Vegetable Pan Coat the official no-stick cooking spray of the society. We make this designation in recognition of the outstanding contributions to American literature made by the fine family of CSG’s products. Based on its ability to “work well with all types of foods” and total lack of fat, carbohydrates and protein, Pure Vegetable Pan Coat truly is “Like Magic Home.”
The cohorts of Alexander Hamilton, who founded our society over two hundred years ago, well understood the pressure that comes from living at one’s intellectual peak. In clear, bold language, your product warns the culinary artist that “can may burst if left on stove or near heat source.” We Philolexians invoke the revolutionary spirit of our founders into every meeting, but are always careful to avoid explosions caused by a wayward member of the ISO or another who does not truly respect our mission. In fact, a single serving of Pure Vegetable Pan Coat is described as only one half-second spray, truly reminding us of the importance of conciseness and brevity.
Your spray “prevents food from sticking for easy serving and clean up,” which undoubtedly leave one’s mind free for more literary pursuits. And yet, Pure Vegetable Pan Coat proudly declares that it is free from CFCs, “which deplete the ozone layer.” This admirable dedication to the preservation and conservation of our most valuable resource reveals that the Cleaning Solutions Group is not only the producer of high-quality products, but also has a social conscience. Of course, with every gift comes grave danger. The pen, and by extension the spoken word, is far deadlier than the sword. Or, as you so eloquently counsel, “Intentional misuse by deliberately concentrating and inhaling the contents can be harmful or fatal.” We thank you for this admonishment, and solemnly swear only to use our erudition to uplift our fellow man.
I have been charged with the duty of informing you of this designation, which we hope you will deem an honor. Though the Philolexian Society, established in 1802, is Columbia’s oldest student organization, and one of the oldest literary societies in the country, it has never before seen fit to name an official no-stick cooking spray. The undeniable kindred spirit between your company and our society, manifest in Pure Vegetable Pan Coat, drove us to break all precedent in this case. We hope that it will also facilitate friendly contact between us in the future. I thank you for your patience and wish you a pleasant spring.