Last evening, the general membership of the Philolexian Society, Columbia University’s student organization dedicated to improving the rhetorical skills and literary awareness of its members, voted to name Edensoy Extra the official soy milk-in-a-box of the society. We make this designation in recognition of the outstanding contributions to American literature made by the promoters of Edensoy Products. With the “extras in Edensoy” like vitamin B-12, beta carotene and vitamin D-2, Edensoy Extra truly is “satisfaction guaranteed.”
As a prominent member of the milk-in-a-box community, we are sure you know of our February 20th, 2003 designation of Parmalat as the official milk-in-a-box of our society. We felt, however, that the “meticulous tracking and audited records [which] guarantee the purity of this food from the farm to [our] table” truly merits an extra distinction for the fine soy milk-in-a-box created by Edensoy. In the long journey of life, one must think outside the milk-in-a-box. Instead of following the uninspired path of mammalian milk, be it bovine, porcine, or canine, your soy milk-in-a-box is an innovative blend of “certified organic whole grain and soybeans.” And yet, though revolutionary, Edensoy soy milk can be used for a variety of purposes, such as “on cereal or on fruit, nutritious smoothies, shakes and desserts, or sauces and soups.”
We Philolexians strive to remain at the peak of our ability, both physically and mentally. Your product seems destined to aid us in this goal. Vitamin B-12, “rare in the vegetable kingdom…nourishes nerves and is essential to good health.” And less we fall prone to the horrors of osteoporosis, rendering us unable to endure a valiant match of croquet, Edensoy milk is there with a good source of calcium, “the mineral for teeth, bones, muscle and nerve functions.” And lastly, the constant reminder of the Garden of Eden, proudly displayed in every dimension of Edensoy products, serves the noble purpose of reminding Philolexians from all religious backgrounds of Man in his prelapsarian state. With the help of your soy milk-in-a-box, our society can strive to create another Eden here on Earth.
I have been charged with the duty of informing you of this distinction, which we hope you will deem an honor. Though the Philolexian Society, established in 1802, is Columbia’s oldest student organization, and one of the oldest literary societies in the country, it has never before seen fit to name an official soy milk-in-a-box. The undeniable kindred spirit between your company and our society, manifest in Edensoy Extra soy milk, drove us to break all precedent in this case. We hope that it will also facilitate friendly contact between us in the future. I thank you for your patience and wish you a pleasant spring.