Last evening, the general membership of the Philolexian Society, Columbia University's student organization dedicated to improving the rhetorical skills and literary awareness of its members, voted to name GE Reveal light bulbs the official light bulbs of the society. We make this designation in recognition of the outstanding contributions to American literature made by the promoters of GE products. Your packaging proudly states that "GE Reveal light bulbs uncover what's been hiding under ordinary light."
Seeing every room in our home in a whole new light has long been a goal of the Philolexian Society. Like the man escaped from Plato's allegorical cave, we Philolexians seek only the purest illumination of Earthly forms. Clearly your light bulbs aspire to the same depth of perception that all Philolexians crave, the understanding of purest essence that transcends knowledge and brings the lucky philosopher into the realm of the Good.
In earlier times, such understanding could be achieved only through rigorous training in the dialectic method and the occasional homosexual orgy, but thanks to the color-enhanced full-spectrum light of GE Reveal light bulbs, all the philosophically inclined among us can ascend to a higher plane of truth in object perception. The questing scholarly inquiry eminent in our weekly debates demands lighting supplies of equal metaphysical ambition, and we firmly believe GE Reveal light bulbs, specifically made to filter out yellow rays that hide life's true colors, capable of rising to this challenge.
I have been charged with the duty of informing you of this designation, which we hope you will deem an honor. Though the Philolexian Society, established in 1802, is Columbia's oldest student organization, and one of the oldest literary societies in the country, it has never before seen fit to name an official light bulb. The undeniable kindred spirit between your company and our society, manifest in GE Reveal light bulbs, drove us to break all precedent in this case. We hope that it will also facilitate friendly contact between us in the future. I thank you for your patience and wish you a pleasant fall.