Dear Consumer Affairs,
Last week, the general membership of the Philolexian Society, Columbia University's student organization dedicated to the development of the rhetorical skills and literary awareness of its members, voted to name Kellogg's Cracklin' Oat Bran the Official Breakfast Cereal of the Society. Our reasons for making this designation stem from our belief that said cereal exemplifies the spirit of our organization in the way that it strives to make healthful, beneficent nutrients palatable through the use of more outwardly attractive elements such as a sweet taste and a pleasant crunch. Similarly, we at Philo promote the seemingly bland, intellectual goal of personal enrichment by combining it with an iconoclastic attitude and a flair for the dramatically absurd, designed to appeal to the simple and unsophisticated human desire to laugh.
I have been charged with the duty of informing you of this designation, which we hope you will deem an honor. Though the Philolexian Society, established in 1802, is Columbia's oldest student organization, and one of the oldest literary societies in the country, it has never before seen fit to name an official breakfast cereal. The undeniable kindred spirit between your corporation and our society, manifest in Cracklin' Oat Bran, drove us to break all precedent in this case. We hope that it will also facilitate friendly contact between us in the future. I thank you for your patience and wish you a successful new year.