Last evening, the general membership of the Philolexian Society, Columbia University's student organization dedicated to improving the rhetorical skills and literary awareness of its members, voted to name your Baked Apple Pie the official baked apple pie of the Society. We have chosen your product in recognition of its ability to remind consumers of exactly where apple pie comes from, and how it is made. You have set a fine example for young debaters always to be aware of fundamentals before delving into the complicated and sometimes esoteric concepts of our discussions.
I have been charged with the duty of informing you of this designation, which we hope you will deem an honor. Though the Philolexian Society, established in 1802 by associates of Alexander Hamilton, is Columbia's oldest student organization and one of the oldest literary societies in the country, it has never before seen fit to name an official baked apple pie. The undeniable kindred spirit between your company and our society, manifest in McDonald's Baked Apple Pie, drove us to break all precedent in this case. We hope that it will also lead to friendly contact between us in the future.
Indeed, we are currently soliciting nominations for products to serve as our official fried apple pie, boiled apple pie, or broiled apple pie. Unfortunately your Baked Apple Pie is ineligible, since it is baked. However, if you have any other products which fit one of these descriptions, or any products which you feel mesh with the intellectual underpinnings of the Philolexian Society, we encourage you to inform us at your convenience. I thank you for your patience and wish you a pleasant fall.