December 8, 2006
Nope, It's Soap!
13041 175th Ave SE
Renton, WA 98059
Last evening, the general membership of the Philolexian Society, Columbia University's student organization dedicated to improving the rhetorical skills and literary awareness of its members, voted to name Nope, It's Soap! the official ersatz effluent of the society. We make this designation in recognition of the outstanding contributions to American literature made by the producers of Nope, It's Soap! products. With its "exfoliating properties" and "6"x4" resealable bag," Nope, It's Soap! truly is "The Best Smelling Pile Ever."
As innovators in the ironically long-stagnant field of personal hygiene, you are surely subjected to frequent questions from well-wishers and naysayers alike. And these questions, while they may differ in tone, are surely identical in content: "What on God's green earth moved you to create a soap in the image of a dog turd?" It's hard to fault them for asking; nay, the gift of strikingly original thought is not given to all. Rest assured, we Philolexians can commiserate: many of our so-called intellectual peers at this esteemed university, in a tragic reversal, attempt to pass off as cleanly conceived ideas what are, in truth, well-polished turds. Part of the ponderous literary significance of Nope, It's Soap! is its persuasive skewering of the fallacy of judging a book by its cover -- or as we expect will soon become idiomatic, sizing a shit by its sheen.
Of course, much like your eponymous product, our shared battle to dethrone pomposity in favor of deep and honest inquiry is dark and quixotic. That is precisely why the discriminating eye, steady left arm, and almost implausible loin region of our society respond positively to the knowledge that, like us, our allies are prepared for a long war. Nope, It's Soap! has not only established vast stores of supplies, but also has secured strategic supply lines: according to your web page, a 24-count case can be purchased wholesale and delivered anywhere within days.
We have been charged with the duty of informing you of this distinction, which we hope you will deem an honor. Though the Philolexian Society, established in 1802, is Columbia's oldest student organization, and one of the oldest literary societies in the nation, it has never before seen fit to name an official ersatz effluent. However, the undeniable kindred spirit between your company and our society, manifest in Nope, It's Soap!, drove us to break all precedent in this case. We hope that it will also facilitate friendly contact between us in the future. We thank you for your patience, and wish you a mild and pleasant winter.
Amitai Schlair and Joshua Schwartz