March 6, 2003
Proctor & Gamble
Cincinatti, OH 45202

Last evening, the general membership of the Philolexian Society, Columbia University's student organization dedicated to improving the rhetorical skills and literary awareness of its members, voted to name Vicks VapoRub the official mentholated ointment of the society. We make this designation in recognition of the outstanding contributions to American literature made by the promoters of Vicks products. Unlike some other mentholated ointments we have seen on TV, rubbing VapoRub on your chest or throat is not likely to cause drowsiness or jittery side effects the way some oral medications can.

Avoiding the drowsiness and jittery side effects that can result from taking oral medications has long been a goal of the Philolexian Society. Many members of this esteemed society doubtless remember a meeting prior to the winter holidays to which the former Sergeant-at-Arms showed up extremely strung-out on Sudafed and behaved in a most disturbing manner for the remainder of the night, slumping over in her chair and declaring herself to be several different Biblical figures within the space of an hour. While the rest of us would never engage in such disgraceful overdosage as did this member who shall remain nameless, certainly the availability of alternative means to sinus salvation could only help us in our quest for utmost dignity at all times.

Since Vicks VapoRub is applied externally, it does not interact with other medications the way pills can; we Philolexians believe this to be a splendid phenomenon indeed. Nothing could be more deleterious to a good rebuttal or "moo" argument than egregious drug interactions due to attempts to imbibe or mainline menthol. You savvy folk at Vicks have spared us this embarrassment by keeping your soothing mentholated goodness on the outside of our bodies where it belongs.

I have been charged with the duty of informing you of this designation, which we hope you will deem an honor. Though the Philolexian Society, established in 1802, is Columbia's oldest student organization, and one of the oldest literary societies in the country, it has never before seen fit to name an official mentholated ointment. The undeniable kindred spirit between your company and our society, manifest in Vicks VapoRub, drove us to break all precedent in this case. We hope that it will also facilitate friendly contact between us in the future. I thank you for your patience and wish you a pleasant spring.


                                                                                                        Xan Nowakowski

                                                                                                       Nomenclaturist General
The Philolexian Society
This Page