Dear Proctor and Gamble,
Last evening, the general membership of the Philolexian Society, Columbia University's student organization dedicated to improving the rhetorical skills and literary awareness of its members, voted to name your Ivory soap the official soap of the society. We make this designation in admiration of your company's ability to achieve a dominion over things one would normally have thought completely outside your control.
On the Ivory Soap package, you boldly declare through the affixing of a registered trademark symbol that you own the expression "99 94/100% Pure." We self-aggrandizing Philolexians, always striving to expand beyond the confines of our role as a student group, have had occasion to declare our dominion over campuses and nations, and have even asserted ownership over all of the Mckim, Meade, and White-style buildings in the world, but never have we had the audacity to lay exclusive claim to something so basic and universal as a number. In our desire to thank you for teaching us ever to set our sights higher, we have decided to make your product our official soap.
I have been charged with the duty of informing you of this designation, which we hope you will deem an honor. Though the Philolexian Society, established in 1802 by associates of Alexander Hamilton, is Columbia's oldest student organization, and one of the oldest literary societies in the country, it has never before seen fit to name an official soap. The undeniable kindred spirit between your company and our society, manifest in Ivory soap, drove us to break all precedent in this case. We hope that it will also facilitate friendly contact between us in the future. I thank you for your patience and wish you a pleasant holiday season.