Last evening, the general membership of the Philolexian Society, Columbia University's student organization dedicated to improving the rhetorical skills and literary awareness of its members, voted to name L.A. Looks the official hair gel of the society. We make this designation in recognition of the outstanding contributions to American literature made by the promoters of L.A. Looks products. Like no other hair gel, L.A. Looks delivers "flexible, long-lasting hold so you can achieve the individual look you want."
Creating an individual and highly stylized look has long been a goal of the Philolexian Society. While dressing up for meetings is always encouraged, many of us Philolexians find ourselves at eight o'clock on a Thursday night craving that extra something to distinguish us from the rest of the Lerner Hall crowd. Finding such a distinctive component of personal style can prove a monumental task, but with a hair gel so fine as L.A. Looks, none would ever mistake us for the ISO or that breakdancing club that meets outside the auditorium.
And what lover of great literature and heady discourse could resist such alluring facets as hair strengthening compound with "activated" panthenol, which would increase the Philolexian Society's resistance to breakage and damage caused by overheating? As losing members to spontaneous combustion might harm our efforts to acquire halls and better funds, we kindly request that you aid us posthaste in our quest for best results.
I have been charged with the duty of informing you of this designation, which we hope you will deem an honor. Though the Philolexian Society, established in 1802, is Columbia's oldest student organization, and one of the oldest literary societies in the country, it has never before seen fit to name an official hair gel. The undeniable kindred spirit between your company and our society, manifest in L.A. Looks styling gel, drove us to break all precedent in this case. We hope that it will also facilitate friendly contact between us in the future. I thank you for your patience and wish you a pleasant fall.