Last evening, the general membership of the Philolexian Society, Columbia University's student organization dedicated to the development of the rhetorical skills and literary awareness of its members, voted to name your Sapporo Ichiban Japanese Style Noodles the official instant noodles of the Society. We make this designation in honor of the laudable efforts which you have made to bridge the gap between Japan and the United States, and especially of your company's proven understanding of quintessential American qualities which a debate group like ours finds most engaging.
Many Japanese people and corporations say that they feel uncomfortable in American society, which encourages individual assertiveness over group harmony. Thus, Japanese people often use expressions like "Let's join us," or "Won't you try this?" when a more straightforward communication would be appropriate. But, your Sapporo Ichiban package demands that we "cook in 3 minutes." You have obviously mastered the use of the imperative mood and shown that you would make a formidable debater and a fine American.
I have been charged with the duty of informing you of this designation, which we hope you will deem an honor. Though the Philolexian Society, established in 1802, is Columbia's oldest student organization, and one of the oldest literary societies in the country, it has never before seen fit to name an official instant noodle. The undeniable kindred spirit between your company and our society, manifest in Sapporo Ichiban Japanese Style Noodles, drove us to break all precedent in this case. We hope that it will also facilitate friendly contact between us in the future. I thank you for your patience and wish you a pleasant autumn.