Last evening, the general membership of the Philolexian Society, Columbia University's student organization dedicated to improving the rhetorical skills and literary awareness of its members, voted to name Twinings English Breakfast Tea the official tea of the society. We make this designation in recognition of the outstanding contributions to American literature made by the promoters of Twinings products. Few epithets so aptly characterize our society as the description of your English Breakfast Tea, which reads: "A full-bodied blend in the English style. An ideal 'wake-up' tea."
The Philolexian Society has long striven to awaken the greater university community to the majesty of intellectual debate, and draws much inspiration from the hallowed traditions of Merry Olde England. Verily, Philolexians represent a full-bodied brew of highbrow culture; any scholarly congregation worth its tea leaves demands a beverage as fine as Twinings English Breakfast Tea.
Like a good black tea, we Philolexians strive to protect the body from the damage caused by harmful free radicals such as the ISO and the Parliamentary Debate Society. While our cunning wits and befuddling advertisements generally serve us well in this venture, nothing could prove a finer companion in the crusade against such infidels as a tea containing the flavonoid antioxidants so naturally abundant in your invigorating and refreshing beverage.
I have been charged with the duty of informing you of this designation, which we hope you will deem an honor. Though the Philolexian Society, established in 1802, is Columbia's oldest student organization, and one of the oldest literary societies in the country, it has never before seen fit to name an official tea. The undeniable kindred spirit between your company and our society, manifest in Twinings English Breakfast Tea, drove us to break all precedent in this case. We hope that it will also facilitate friendly contact between us in the future. I thank you for your patience and wish you a pleasant fall.