Last evening, the general membership of the Philolexian Society, Columbia University's student organization dedicated to improving the rhetorical skills and literary awareness of its members, voted to name Halls the official cough drop of the society. We make this designation in recognition of the outstanding contributions to American literature made by the promoters of Halls products. As your packaging declares, no other brand works so efficaciously to "fight coughs, soothe sore throats, and make nasal passages feel cooler."
Making nasal passages the world over feel cooler has long been a goal of the Philolexian Society. Our emphasis on loquacity demands that all vocal faculties, and by extension that most irritating little spot right at the top of the throat that always stays sore even after assault with a variety of other medications, remain in full working condition at all times. Surprise ambush by throat pain could prove deadly during a debate; fortunately, Halls with Advanced Vapor Action goes to work immediately to rebutt that insidious scratchy throat.
We adults and children five years and over of the Philolexian Society require the finest in throat care. Like that fluffy cat in the Fancy Feast commercials that will only eat out of a crystal goblet, Philolexians have a long tradition of demanding the highest level of quality and purity in cough drop ingredients. Only Halls, complete with Blue 1, eucalyptus oil, glucose syrup, sucrose, and the sublimely specific "flavoring," can satisfy our exacting standards.
I have been charged with the duty of informing you of this designation, which we hope you will deem an honor. Though the Philolexian Society, established in 1802, is Columbia's oldest student organization, and one of the oldest literary societies in the country, it has never before seen fit to name an official cough drop. The undeniable kindred spirit between your company and our society, manifest in Halls cough drops, drove us to break all precedent in this case. We hope that it will also facilitate friendly contact between us in the future. I thank you for your patience and wish you a pleasant holiday season.