The Fed

Randomly Selected Horoscopes

Aries
Potential lovers are attracted to your intellect and wit.  Keep your distance, they will think you’re mysterious, and never learn the truth.

Gemini
When people look at you, they think they’re seeing double.  Some say it’s because you’re fat. I say it’s because you’re hot.

Cancer
Your sign is a disease.  Bummer.  I’ll still sit next to you.

Virgo
People in bars are dirty.  You should have thought twice before letting Sagittarius spread the love on you.

Scorpio
Don’t listen to people who tell you how to live your life

Sagittarius
You have the best sign.  People in bars always want to know if you are a Sagittarius.  You can say yes.  Spread the love.

Capricorn
Sometimes less if more, like now.

Aquarius
If your name is Laurie, you are hot.  If not, look into changing it, because you’re a fatty.

Pisces
When it comes to lovemaking, you leave your partners breathless.  Stop covering their mouths during amorous relations and they will probably like you more.

March 3, 2000