The Fed

Kim's and Tom's to Merge

Paul Campion

In a move that will affect the consuming habits of diner patrons and effete rock snobs alike, Kim’s Music and Video (113th and Broadway) announced plans to merge with Tom’s Diner (112th and Broadway) within the next few weeks.

BidnessWeek writer Sammy Ragah claimed the merger as "the surliest business venture of 2001." "In a service-oriented economy like this one," said Ragah as he removed a tourniquet from his arm and rolled down his sleeve, "we see that...whoah.... mmmm...I don’t think I’m going to be much help right now."

The synergy between both corporations is already manifest. The management of Tom’s Diner explained major changes involving a menu reorganization inspired by Kim’s methodology of filing movies according to director. "Instead of dividing the items into ‘breakfast’ and ‘lunch,’" said Tom’s CEO Xerxes Phillipopoulos, "we decided it would be best to file each dish under the name of the cook who enjoys preparing it. This way, if you want scrambled eggs, you can look under ‘Karol.’ Hash browns are under ‘Jake.’ Ice cream is also under ‘Karol.’ What could be more intuitive for our customers?"

Kim’s Music and Video is not without its own share of improvements. Kim’s senior employees have already been flown to Tom’s Boot Camp in Cyprus, where they will be trained to fold their arms across their chests in pitch blackness within two seconds. Proper techniques of thrusting bills-of-sale into the faces of customers will also be covered.

Most employees were excited about the merger. "I am very knowledgeable about indie rock," said a Kim’s employee who wished to remain anonymous. "Let me preface our interview with that statement. As far as sheer hostility goes, though, I’m a little out of my league with my new brothers-in-arms. I therefore look forward to working at Tim Kom Diner and Music and Video and Free Hugs Booth not only as learner, but also as a teacher." The employee then lurched off to inform a puzzled customer that Talking Heads CDs "are filed under Establishment, you corporate whore!"

The workers of Tom’s were not without their own brand of enthusiasm. Said a veteran waitress: "I always knew to dislike my patronage, but I never knew precisely how...or why, for that matter. Thanks to our merger, I know to snort in a preoccupied way whenever a customer doesn’t know where to look on our menu for the Chili Con Carne. Can you believe that most people don’t know that it’s really an American dish? They’re always looking under the sections for Mexican chefs when they should be looking for the Americans. True dat." A Tom’s Diner representative declined comment, asking if this reporter was planning to leave anytime soon.

On the whole, the management of both Kim’s and Tom’s displayed unfettered glee at their joining of forces. "I defy our customers to travel anywhere else in the tri-state area," said a representative of the Tim Kom Concern-- "nowhere else will you find such a delicious mix of snobbery and passive aggression. File us under ‘U,’ for unique. That will be in the American section. In the ‘Indie’ subsection. Anyway, this interview is over. Consume like the prole you are, or get the fuck out."