The Fed

Makin' Love Happen Since 1983 volume 15 • issue 4 • The Non-Issue

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Sex in Lerner

Screwing Through Lerner Like Lerner Screws Through You

Erin Thompson and Billy Q. Fakename

Your sweetheart is spread-eagled on the bed, sighing and licking her lips, clutching the bag from Victoria's Secret across her heaving chest, her lips mouthing nasty, nasty things and...
    Anyway, you want to hav sex, but things aren't quite working out.  Your roommate won't leave the damn suite, and Butler Stacks closed an hour ago, and another Walk of Shame back from Barnard would probably kill you.  But wait- before blowing that hard-earned drug money on a George Washington Lodge SRO- think about Lerner Hall.
    Lerner, you say – isn't that Columbia's “architecturally arresting” $86,000,000 post office?  Yes.  Think Lerner.  Think construction sites, elevators, stairwells, and bathrooms, but also... think construction sites, elevators, stairwells, and bathrooms.  Anyone can get pissed off at all the wasted space under construction, but for the especially intrepid and frustrated the sexual possibilities are boundless.
    Here at the Fed, we probed the nooks and crannies, penetrated the secret inner recesses, and pervaded even the tightest hole-in-the-wall to make your definitive guide to ... screwin through Lerner like Lerner screws through you.

Star Ratings:
* Provost Cole gives his sweetheart a kiss
** Emily Lloyd goes for the shirt buttons
***Lou Gehrig's pinstripes hit the floor
****Ginsberg does the monkey thing
+ Editor's Choice

Time: 11:30 pm, Tuesday November 2nd
Place: Lerner Hall
Security:   There might have been a motion detector on the sixth floor.  Otherwise it seemed to rely on the honor system.

General
1. Elevators ***  Going down...
2. Stairwells **, but there's room for *** if you get off on the discomfort.
3. Bathrooms *** generally, but **** for restroom outside the 7th floor east end administrative offices.

First Floor
West End
1. Coat Check **** +
    Take glass doors to right of elevator bank, on left, hop over counter.  Cozy, and not as filthy as construction areas on higher floors.  Take some free hangers when you're done.
2.Backstage ***
    Access through any of numerous auditorium entrances, then truck it on back.  Billowy white screen good for masking after-movie night adventures.
3.Green Room **** +
    Access through backstage, enter warren of back corridors, room E-181.  Handy bathroom, plush naugahyde seating, psychic casting couch aura.

East End
4.Party/Performance Space **
    Spotted skylight and shiny metallic seating lend a glam rock aura – perfect for that mythical orgy that will someday rock the college's world.  In the back corner there's an unattended bar with a deep overhang and large refrigerator.  Don't forget the two forms of ID.
5. Electrotech Room *+
    Noisy and uncomfortable, Lerner's supercomputer space nonetheless holds a bizarre drawing power to adventurous Columbians everywhere.  Humming noises add to pleasure.  Access through doors off of Party/Performance space, look for propped open entrance.

Second Floor
West End
1. Game Room **+
    Best as a starting point, girls!  No doubt that you've become quite frustrated with Columbia's quite lopsided male/female gender ratio.  No matter, you'll find the Gaming Room to be quite the equalizer.

Third Floor
West End
1.Unfinished Balcony **
    Through glass doors by the elevator, last unlabeled door on left of hallway.  A coliseum feel, with a lovely view of Lerner Auditorium- get it on during Indian Movie Night, when the masculine wiles of “Coolie's No. 1's” Kader Khan have all but charmed the sari off his coy leading lady.  His aura can't help but rub off on coolies of lesser rank.
2.Double Discovery Center   0
    Very disappointing.  The Double Discovery Center connotes a definite “you show me yours” experience, but is in actuality a mundane office suite.

Fourth Floor
West End
1.Faux Crack House Loft Space ****+
    Take gray doors to right of elevators, walk back all the way.  Open double doors.  Truly one of the great wonders of Lerner- head to the back right corner and cast down your sleeping bag next to the big soapy windows.  Avoid frightening electrical closets and mysterious large brown spot on floor.

Fifth Floor
East End
1.The Student Offices ****+
    Need we explain?   The fabled Columbia orgy beds down here.  The Fed Fighting Chicken mascot only adds to the excitement.

Sixth Floor
West end
1.The Gigantic Expanse of Construction That is the 6th Floor *
    Private, but creepy and dirty.  Fabled roof access resides here, but the Fed's intrepid reporters couldn't locate it.  Unless, that is, they just aren't telling.

Seventh Floor
West End
1. Health Offices ***
    Alice, counsel me like nobody's business.

Ninth Floor
1.The Roof ***+
    Take stair C, enter floor through propped open dooor, exit through gray door on right.  The ninth foor is another giant construction area, but is redeemed by its access to a narrow strip of roof, complete with inexplicable decorative rocks and paving stones.  Frolic in the only finished area in the building, peer into the seamy underbelly of Carman, and back in the knowledge that no one really seems to mind all the trespassing.