Letters to the Feditor
To the friendly editor:
Perusing through my favorite periodical, I happened on an article titled "America needs to Return to Modesty" by J.R. Wilheilm. Naively assuming that the article would be true to the standard of excellence that I have learned to expect from the Fed, I was surprised, outraged, nauseated and personally insulted that the newspaper I had come to cherish reading would print such fascist propaganda.
But wait! I knew I recalled the author’s name from somewhere. Ah yes! It was most likely the nom de plume of the Sharpton/Guiliani clone that penned the wonderful "Brooklyn Museum Threatens the Community" article in the October 8th issue of the Spec. "The exhibit may enjoy the support of the majority of New Yorkers," J.R. says, "but when pressed, those same New Yorkers also oppose pornography. Moreover, it is not simply the will of the majority that is important, but rather what I determine is decent. Censorship, for example, is clearly necessary to make sure that the public does not have exposure to unclean or immoral ideas."
In addition, he does not shame at suggesting that public funding to art be abolished and instead dedicated to "funding prayer in the schools, the reinstatment of the death penalty, funding more research into Eugenics and providing prostitutes to the clergy." I hope that the printing of J.R.’s article was a machination of some twisted mind’s idea of a joke and that such indoctrinary brainwashing will not appear in your reputable publication again.
Jenga Master, esq.
We at the Fed are immensenly pleased that we’re your favorite periodical. However, you seem, in your fervor, to have missed the entire point of our little paper.
We are not (as we continue to say) a liberal or conservative paper. Instead, we consider ourselves a forum for the feelings and ideas being expressed by students on this campus.
Despite the fact that you have a problem with JR’s views, this does not make them invalid. Neither does calling them “indoctrinary brainwashing” or”fascist propaganda.” Criticisms like this leave us shaking our heads.
Because the general news media refuses to provide alternative viewpoints, more and more people seem capable of responding to intellectual challenges with only name-calling and mud slinging.
My advice to you, Jenga, is to challenge yourself to really read those articles that don’t really mesh with your sensibilities and come up with real arguments against them. Because there will be a time when you will need to defend your opinion and you’ll need to say more than “you’re all fascists.”
Nice job with the latest issue. I really like the Unholy Rivers of Blood.
Yeah, we like them too. Do you know where we can find some? Our experience with unholy rivers of blood is that they don’t hang around very long. Like, you’ll see a unholy river of blood and run to get your camera. And when you come back, it’s gone.
We are big fans. You’re doing a great job this year and we love you out here in the hinterlands. We have on small suggestion: change the name of The Federalist to The Fed. Long live the Feditor!
Best wishes, Melinda Maher, St. Paul, Minnesota
Your wish is my command. For those of you, who didn’t notice, you are no longer reading "the Federalist", instead, you hold in your hands a pristine copy of "the Fed".
Also, we at the Fed have had a betting pool going as to where exactly the "hinterlands" are. Now we know (and I’m up 15 bucks). Thanks a lot!
November 13, 1999
Erin Thompson and Billy Q. Fakename