September 2007
The Fed Website - Version 4.0
We now have a brand new website! Click here to visit it, and to read our latest issue.
The archives will still be kept here for posterity (until they get moved over to the new site.)
April/May 2007
End of the Year Bemusings
Ah, the end of the year is upon us. Euphoria, sadness, optimism, disappointment, and Shakespeare, all coalescing into one big invisible black marble sundial. We at the Fed have a list of things before we head off to do our thing, and we'd like to share it with you:
- Atone for our various sins, both major and minor.
- Create a work of questionable artistic merit.
- Hum Broadway showtunes while strolling through Barnard's campus.
- Graduate.
- Fulfill our campaign promise to install air conditioning in John Jay.
- Say farewell to the view from the tennis courts.
- Lose our virginity.
- Play real-life Donkey Kong.
- Finish laying out page 13.
We wish the best of luck to our graduating seniors — Kareem, who will bring civility and grace to the Web, and failing that, become Anna Wintour's slave at Condé Nast — and Jamie, who, after her punk-rock phase runs its course, will settle down with her future husband in a nice Portland suburb and run a burlesque house on the side.
Wear plenty of sunblock, kids. And don't forget to smile, even if it's that creepy Cheshire Cat grin.
Enjoy the delayed online version of the April issue and the not-delayed new May issue.
March 2007
Fed Bash is Coming
Older News Items
Taurus. The sign of the bull. Still doesn't mean I have to put up with your shit.
Gemini. When Sonny and Cher popularized "and the beat goes on", they were not referring to animal abuse. Don't you ever worry about the ASPCA?
Cancer. A strange and possibly wonderful event stops traffic. Take the toilet paper out of your pants and pretend like everything's fine.
Leo. You are delighted to discover that your fate is in your own hands and not some non-existent fairy godmother. You are disappointed to learn that you are a couch loving fatty who couldn't get off your own ass to save your life.
Virgo. Screw all those people who said you would never amount to anything. You've always worked with what you got, and you got a lot. "Donna Does Everybody" will be a huge success.
Libra. Don't get down. There's nothing wrong with you that a good smack across the face couldn't cure. (I'm free.)
Scorpio. You're easy going personality will get the better of you this week, when you're standard saying, "what's the worst that could happen?"gets answered by your dead hamster showing up with an Uzi and a vengeance.
Sagitarius. You are full of potential. Don't worry; none of it will be challenged while you're mooching off your parents.
Capricorn. I'm your private dancer, your dancer for money, and any old music will do. But get your hand off my ass, would ya?
Aquarius. Oh sorry. Caught me sleeping I guess. Your future looks bright. Yeah, that's the ticket.
Pisces. A wise man once said that patience is a virtue. And now he's dead. Look where his patience got him. Take a chance.
If Today Is Your Birthday. One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do. Two can be as bad as one, especially the two you've been dealing with. Maybe you should reconsider how lonely one was.
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