columbia's other newspaper volume 16 • issue 1 • Orientation

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Things Not to Say to Guys

1. "How do you really feel about that?"  This spotlight on their emotions sends most guys up their cinderblock dorm room walls.  If you must know how they feel, try "You ai-ight? Cool."

2.  "Can we talk for a sec?"  Contrary to opening any lines of communication, this question makes any college beau fear discussion.  he’ll anticipate criticism of his behavior, and guys are way not into that.  Even if you just wanted to chat about Brad and Jennifer, a room full of beer would be the only way to get this stallion into your stable after such a bad start.  Attempt, "You know Eminem said,..." and he’ll hear what follows.

3. "I’m trying to tell you somethin about my life..." Stop!  Don’t sing the Indigo Girls in his presence.  Stay away from Tracy, Ani, Dar and Miss Piggy, too.  He may think you’re a hippie, or perhaps a lesbian.  In any case, it ain’t good.  Try, "She’s got dumps like trucks, trucks, trucks/..."

4. "All you guys want the same thing."  You could be referring to banana pudding or a piece of tail, but dudes don’t want to hear it.  They don’t want to be stereotyped.  Go for, "That was unique of you."  Or "How original, Chad."

Things Not to Say to Girls

1. "Do we have to talk about everything?"  Girls are the more emotional specie, and they appreciate at least the appearance of communication in a relationship

2. "I dunno." Or "Yeah, I guess." (Particularly unacceptable if uttered after a question about your love, your relationship or if she looks fat.) These are non-answers to a girl brain. when you don’t care about her touchy felly question, a more effective response would be, "My feelings are too complex to put into words."

3. [While nuzzling her affectionately in bed.] "Hey, what’d you eat today? You smell like my favorite beef soup." Try not to liken her scent to any comestible. A girl tends to be sensitive about how she smells, and anxious should she feel the world is not convinced of her herbal essence. So, opt for, "Umm. You smell dope."

4. "Let me see that thong/..." Girls might interpret your love for Sisqo’s songs to mean that you are at heart a sex crazed adolescent with your mind on her hindquarters. girls don’t want to actively know you think of her butt like she’s some piece of meat for the taking. To her this might mean you are uncaring about the rest of her, a qualification to be avoided in successful courtship. Try, "Bailamos, let the rhythm take you over/..."