The Fed

Marauding Interviewer: Orgies

Jacqueline Hidalgo and Elana Schor

Once an integral part of college life, orgies seem to have lost their cache.  Columbia is located in the cultural capital of the nation, yet many of the school’s vibrant sexual explorers are forced to go elsewhere (New Haven) to find the awakening they so desire.  Students seem almost ambivalent about their need for rabid, deviant group sex.  Why are orgies so unpopular these days, and what can Columbia do to orchestrate a new orgy renaissance?  How many times can we say the word "orgy" in one feature?

EVELYN SANFORD, CC ’00
Is there anything you love more than orgies?
(laughter, silence)
Okay, alternate question.  If there is nothing you love more, how much – specifically – do you love orgies? (more laughter)  I would have to say there’s nothing.
Care to elaborate?  Any visual description?
Um, just as long as my fiance’s involved, it’s great.
You’re into monogamy.  We can dig that.  So, do you think orgies are at all relevant to the Core, or life at Columbia?  Oh, they’re definitely relevant.  I mean, take Lit Hum.  Everything there… it’s all orgies in Lit Hum.
That’s very true.  Now let’s say you and your fiance are feeling a little naughty, so you decide to get in on an orgy.  You walk in the room and there, already getting some action, is your brother (or sister).  What do you-  I would be WAY out of there.
Under any circumstance? No matter what!

PAULA DAVIS, CC ’01
Is there anything you love more than orgies? Well, I’m not really a people person, so I’d have to say masturbation.
What about mutual masturbation?  Are you anti-social, and if not, where do you draw the line?
If I let anybody join in, they’d have to be my clone.  Nobody knows my body better than I.
You seem like a very mature person with evolved sexual attitudes.
Oh, I am.
Do you think orgies are at all relevant to the Core, or life at Columbia?
I don’t think sexuality is related to life at Columbia.

SHAWN RODRIGUEZ and DYLAN STILLWOOD, CC ’02 (roommates)
Is there anything you love more than orgies? [S] Wow.  That’s a good one.  Well, I had a sexual fantasy about Shamu when I was 12, so maybe that tells you something.
Ah.  So is there any advantage to an orgy with a killer whale?  Maybe a sea lion? [S] Isn’t there a whale orgy in the REPUBLIC? [D] I dunno.  I’m sure you could interpret it that way, though. [S] If they can butt-f**k 12-year-old boys, they can certainly do whales too.  Are there any whales in Greece?
I don’t know.  There are… antelope there. [S] Yeah, right.
So let’s say you walk in on an orgy, and you’re primed.  But your roommate’s already there having fun.  What do you do? [D] Kill him.  [S] Hook him up with an attractive sea mammal in the back of the room.

September ish, 1999