The Fed

Papal Nomination Time!

The Pope is illing.  Yep, our Heavenly Father is getting all set to gather our Earthly Father up in His arms, so that they may forever be together in Heaven... and once He does, the hissy fit begins.  Who will be the Pope's successor?  The College of Cardinals is getting its sacred knickers in a twist just thinking about it.  Perhaps they could use a couple of suggestions.  It couldn't hurt.

The Anyman Pope
The current Pope says he wants to reunite the Eastern and Western Churches, but he can't do it!  We need an adorable, impartial outsider for a Pope; one without all those pesky theological qualms.  The Anyman Pope would have the leaders of the Eastern Church over for beer and BBQ in no time!  No one would have to kiss hi s ring!  It's time for a red-blooded Pope!

The Just-My-Size Pope
Those Tibetans have got it down.  Choose a kid to be the Pope.  Think how hard it is for all the new elderly Popes to learn all the Pope rules and regulations.  A young Pope would have years to get it all down.  He’d be a Super-Pope!  Instead of smoking crack and having unprotected sex, young Catholics would have a role model in the Vatican, reminding them not to have sex with anyone but nuns! Time for youth to have a voice (apart from the boys’ choir) in Rome!

The Mystery Pope
Remember all these Egyptian mystery cults, where penitants had to fast for three days, smear themselves with honey, crawl into a hole, and meditate for another three days before even being able to talk to a priest?  Today’s Pope is too available.  Where’s the mystery?  The Pope blesses soccer stadiums and appears on TV.  We need a papal figure shrouded in doubt and awe.  It’s time for a Pope we can kneel before and shudder with fear!

The Pope Pope
It’s just not economical to keep training and replacing new Popes every few years.  Why not just keep the one we have?  Just as long as he kicks the bucket at home, a team of trained taxidermists can go to work.  Add a few electronic bells and whistles, and the "Pope" can go on making shaky gestures of blessing for fifty years!  His team of Disney-trained handlers will comment on how his survival is a miracle – he’ll be declared a saint during his … lifetime.  Sort of.

February 1, 2000