Testosterone Weather Report volume 15 • issue 6 • The Man

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ou are assaulted by the nauseating mix of innumerable delicately puffed Marlboros and immeasurable quantities of chugged beer, the sickening but somehow familiar stench of a Thursday night that entices you. Welcome to the meat market; a willing participant.

Surrounded by every ilk of created male form, pick your poison: the sensitive, shy type hiding behind his tortoise-shell glasses; the frat boy astounding his neck-less companions with his tolerance level; or Mr. Right - nope, he's unaccounted for again tonight.

Many adults claim to have found the love of their lives in college, but the likelihood of that occurring plummets every time you step into the local bars. Even while preparing for a simple weekend outing, any girl is trapped by the eternal dilemma, Prude vs. Slut. College women are expected to either play it innocent or make like a Hoover.

According to a first-year at Barnard, there is a new category on the rise called the "prudish-slut", the girl that may put on a feminine front but underneath it she's a sex-crazed maniac. Her counterpart, the "sluttish-prude", will bear those beautifully curved legs all over town but spreads them for no one.

But even females admit that it's no easier for the opposite sex. If boys show girls their sensitive, Titanic-watching, Fiona Apple-listening side, we treat them like shit or assume they take it from behind. If they revel in their beer-guzzling, iron-pumping, sports-fanatic side they are labeled immature and primitive.

A Barnard first-year, Kate Jurgel, shared her insight on the situation experienced by both males and females: "People act differently under different circumstances and depending on who they're with."

So it's safe to say that both sexes are continually impeded in their ongoing quest to find their fate-ordained other half.

Nonetheless, this horrible dilemma is a far cry from the circumstances fifty years ago, when the thrill of a girl's life was getting her boyfriend's letterman jacket and pin, obvious indications that a couple was going "steady". Today, even seemingly secure and long-lasting relationships are threatened by partners' propensity to cheat. That generation unconsciously avoided today's problems by considering holding hands a big progression in a relationship as opposed to today's frequent slides into home.

It is mind-boggling how boy/girl "interaction" has been put into hyperdrive during the last twenty-five years. Earlier generations experience great difficulty when attempting to understand today's relationships. This is evident in your mother's firm belief that you have not touched a member of the opposite sex and would never dream of doing such a thing until your wedding night. An enormous generational gap has been created due to the emergence of sex as a popular collegiate activity (there should be a way to get PE credit for it).

College is the sanctified arena of "gettin' it on". Many Barnard first year's will attest to the queasiness felt when trying to brush one's teeth while listening to the moans and groans of the happy couple in the handicapped shower. The existence of the "Walk of Shame" is undeniable evidence of sex on campus; it's a sorry sight to watch the numerous female Columbia students taking the early morning trek back to their dorms still wearing their party clothes from the night before.

These young women are filled with ambivalence as they struggle with the opposing feelings of pride that, "Hey I got some!" and the shame of, "Hey, I got some! But everyone knows it." There is a mixture of pity and jealousy felt as these women pass before you.

The "Walk of Shame" is also experienced by male members of the Columbia community. However, opposed to their female counterparts, they feel no ambivalence as they slap their roommates high fives and gracefully accept congratulations from other horny bachelors. An interesting and commonly known double standard emerges: If a male has any sexual experiences he is a "mack or stud" and if a female partakes in the same activites she is branded a "slut". This occurrence is a cultural phenomenon.

Last but not least, many students have lingering nightmares of being "sexiled" from their double due to their roommates's primal desires. These examples are college students's attempts to fill the void left by the absence of Mr. and Miss Perfect. In the interim, we perform the act without the feelings. Many married adults will attest that the best sex they had was with their spouse because the act was done with love. Meanwhile, sex is an essential component of the search for a spouse, whether we're having it or not. Rachel Koss, a resident of Barnard's Sulzberger Hall, explains the situation that transforms formerly normal and docile Barnard women into horny animals come the weekend: "We never see boys, so it's not constantly on our minds, but when we do see them we wanna jump'em." So the sometimes overaggressive nature of Barnard students is due to male withdrawal, whereas inhabitants of Columbia housing encounter the generic co-ed situations of inter-floor dating and the hottie across the hall. The search for that one person that will make you content and fill your world with bliss, is perhaps the one ubiquitous element of today's culture. It is a daunting task, one that will require interaction with imbeciles, dorks, losers, idiots, scum, dogs, dicks, psychos, pricks, players, shits, nerds, weirdos and assholes. The situation is desperate and unavoidable, but we must persist. So behind the sex-hungry facade, in reality we are all on the identical search for that indescribable entity that will satisfy you to the core and leave you expounding on the beauty of true love, although we may get some ass on the way.