The Fed

The Budget Surplus Problem Solved!

What we should really do with the money...

Thomas Bellin

I'd like to blame Taco Bell and the comic books lobby for this ridiculousness, but I feel that the icy finger of accusation must point to our honorable representatives themselves.  They've completely lost touch with the American people.

We need a simple plan for spending this money, not one riddled with holdouts and pork-barrel projects.  Bickering over which rich interest groups to give the budget surplus to has distracted both parties.  They've missed the key issues.  I think I am not far from the truth when I say that there isn't one voting American who, if asked, wouldn't cry "Give me the money!  All of it!"

So, I say to you honorable Senators and Representatives from this mighty country of ours: the people are telling you, like I'm telling you, to give me the money.  All of it.  Every cent.  You don't need it.  Just shut down those pointless programs, stop buying billion dollar airplanes.  Think about reducing the size of government, not increasing it.

Meanwhile, I will be responsibly spending my newfound wealth in meaningful and positive ways.  You may think that one man cannot possibly spend this money properly.   How, you may ask, will I guarantee full and equal distribution across the width and breadth of the USA?

For example, I will purchase AT&T and reduce all long-distance calls within the US to half a cent a minute.  I will buy one in five Americans a cell-phone with unlimited calls.  These phones will be distributed by way of a countrywide Easter egg hunt.

To promote voter registration I will throw giant "Registration Keggers."  Also, I will buy a car for every registered voter.  This will not be a regular car, like a Chevy Cavalier.  Instead of exit polling, the registered voter will be asked what kind of car he or she wants.  The voter will chose between several very nice cars, none of which will be SUVs.

Speaking of which, I will buy every SUV in the universe and turn them into scrap.  I will begin an extensive anti-SUV advertisement program aimed at the baby-boomers who for some reason don't realize that those damn things are evil and designed by Satan.

On a personal note, I will travel from city to city and town to town on a private train and I will spend thousands of dollars in local sports-bars and betting arenas.  Any money I win in my betting will be reinvested into the local economy by way of the GAP and McDonalds (where I will buy pants and McNuggets, respectively).

I will invest millions into the US Soccer league until it has become the national pastime and I can finally be proud when someone uses that phrase (instead of lowering my head in shame).  Meanwhile, I will savagely put down the WNBA.

I will hire a mercenary army, because sometimes you need a mercenary army.  This army will be sent to areas where instant and brutal action is necessary.  Their first mission will be to destroy France.  Then I will order them to pick fights with the cast of the Blair Witch Project and say things like, "Now are you scared? Huh? Huh?" as they pummel their overhyped asses into the ground.

Medicine will be free, because I will have purchased both the HMOs and the medical practitioners and the developers of drugs and medication.  Ridiculously high prices of necessary medicines and medical procedures will be drastically reduced.  Also, every town  will have a roller-coaster park.

Giving the money to me will save the government the hassle of figuring out how to split up the money  so that all the rich people stay rich and all the poor people stay poor.  This will give them (plenty of) time to look into how to fix the awful mess they've made.

This plan has an added benefit: I won't have to work anymore.  I will be free to write asinine articles about my fanciful concepts, and I will also learn to paint (and study French).  Ask yourself, "Do I deserve all this money?"  You're damn right I do.  "Can I spend it responsibly?" You're damn right I can.