columbia's subversive newspaper volume 15 • issue 1 • orientation

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s you enter your first year here, your head is swimming with the many stories, blurbs and myths about Columbia and college in general.  Your Columbia Experience will be different from every other Columbian's, it will be yours to make sense of (and recover from) forever.  It is best to go into this adventure with a head clear of fallacies and wishful thinking.  Most myths are patently false and dangerous, but even the most erroneous myth contains some kernel of truth.  As an upper class-person it behooves me to help sort it out for you.

    Myth #1: The Freshman Fifteen.  This is mainly a "girl thing," but a phenomenon nonetheless among students of all gender persuasions.  You can watch what you eat in John Jay and forgo the pizza at Koronet's, but there's really nothing you can do about it.  If it's going to happen, it's going to happen.  But be aware, fifteen is less than accurate number (much like the weight on your driver's license).  You might do better to be wary of the Freshman Fifty.

    Myth #2: Orgies.  Sadly, the hallowed halls of this great institution rarely see such action.  If you're itching for the multiple-partner sort of thing your best bet are the hallowed halls at Yale.  If you're fortunate, you know someone who goes there, so hop to it, Skippy.  You're only a call and an $11.50 Metro North ride away from unparalled erotic jubilation.

    Myth #3: The crew team practices at five in the morning in the pool in the basement of Low Library. It's true!  I spent my whole first year nestled in a John Jay walk-through between large crew team members' rooms.  In their sleep they often shrieked in terror to the sound of splashing water and mumbled, "Not today coach.  I won't go down Low."  See?  They were terrified of Low.  Not surprising, as I have heard that practice is a test of will AND body and I have seen with my own eyes the blisters that oars cause on tender digits.

    Myth #4: Columbia students receive a more personalized and meaningful education (the Administration likes to offer this one up to visitors and prospective students).  The myth purports that because of the Core and smaller seminar like class settings in which there are only 25 (to 40; we are expanding!) students per class, individuals are given a chance to stretch their intellectual wings.
    Well, this one is not true.  Happily for those of us whose least favorite p word is "participation," most (if not all) of your classes will be over-crowed.
In the off chance that you do end up in a tiny class just remember that at Columbia no room is so small that it affords you no place to hide.  Be aggressive in your commitment to remain reticent and keep your eyes in your notebook at all times.  Much like the toddler's truck of if - I - cover - my - eyes - and - can't - see - anyone - then - they - can't - see - me, you really are invisible as long as you don't make eye contact.  Should you have a professor with "spunk" and who is "enthusiastic" as it were, train them quickly and don't respond to their meager attempts to call on you in class.  The first few times they call you may involve some uncomfortable silences, or perhaps a trip to a Dean or Administrator's office, but as long as you are consistent they will learn. Eventually they will allow you to continue on your merry non-participatory way through years of Core classes and seminars.

    Myth #5: Barnard and Columbia are affiliated.  The truth of the matter is that they are in NO WAY connected -- financially, physically, emotionally or otherwise.  Do not be misled into believing that you can take classes there.  You may go so far as to actually do it, but you won't have in reality accomplished such a feat, as it is in no way sanctioned by the University.  After all, this is the Columbia Experience you've signed up for, and if you read the fine print, Barnard is a separate and completely independent entity.  You must pay full tuition at Barnard to garner the Barnard Experience.  You may, also, encounter a "Barnard" student in one of your classes.  Note, these are not actual Barnard babes, but rather Columbia co-eds playing on this well accepted myth and your ignorance of the truth.  The myth, however, has facilitated many a romantic encounter as it encourages Columbia students and Barnard students to commingle, cavort, and borrow each others' notes (for classes the aren't actually in together). Fortunately, as of yet, there are no official restrictions on who you can date.

    Myth #6a: The Administration cares about you as a student at their fine institution (author: the Administration), Myth #6b: The Administration doesn't care about you even though you are a student at their fine institution (author: the Student Body).  This conflict deserves a word of clarification.  The Administration does not "care" about you any more than your credit card company "cares" about you.  Provided you pay your bills, they are prepared to provide you with the services listed in Facets (and other materials they distribute to guide us students through the Columbia Experience).  Should you falter in your payments for even an afternoon, automated phone systems and your student balance will indicate that you aren't allowed to register, or your enrollment status will be frozen in the invisible grip of a faceless administrator.  Of course, there are a few nice administrator types, but most understand that Columbia is a business.
    Reminder:  this is not Swarthmore, where the words "community" and "compassion" are not considered trite and overrated.  We will not be having group hugs on this campus to foster sanity, piece of mind, and sense of felling "love and wanted."  But such is life, and it is a far better thing that you learn you're all alone on this celestial orb (the great mother Gia) now, when you can still bounce back from any breakdowns you'll have once you figure it out.
These constitute the predominate myths surrounding our fine metropolitan campus, infecting and ravaging innocents such as yourselves at such a vulnerable and overwhelming time.  I know, dear reader, that facing so many realities so quickly must be draining, but there is still one more hurdle to overcome.  I have left for last perhaps the most painful myth to discharge.  If anyone has informed you that your might date while here, I'm sorry.

Myth #7: People date at Columbia.  They don't.  It just doesn't happen here. (N.B. If you are in the Fu Foundation of Engineering and Applied Sciences you are exempt from this rule.  You will, in fact, date many other members of the Fu-community and live happily ever after.)  There will always be the occasional woo-and-screw, but should it happen to you, do not mistake the experience for something that might involve "emotions" or "commitment."
We have reached the end and I know you're shaken, but take heart.  Maybe this piece will server only to help speed your plunge into depression and instill in you the belief that only alcohol really makes you feel better.  Or, perhaps, you'll realize that implicit in the opportunity to partake in the Columbia Experience is the right to craft from it whatever significance you wish it to contain.  Good luck, my nimble neophytes (and I mean that).