columbia's subversive newspaper volume 15 • issue 1 • orientation

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n this nation, the so-called “land of the free”, we constantly struggle under the assumption that an individual is capable of making voluntary, willful decisions.  We are therefore the considered masters of our own destinies.  This power, the power of free will, may not be as cool as being one of the Masters of Universe, but it gives us freedom and self-control and that’s not a bad thing.  At least, that’s what we are told

The idea of being in complete control may sound initially appealing, but it comes with some nasty drawbacks.  Free will necessarily entails responsibility.  For those of you unfamiliar with the word, responsibility means moral accountability for your actions.  It is a concept with which we become intimately acquainted during our college years.  It is also extremely daunting.  For what good is free will when it means we must constantly answer to the consequences of our actions?  But fear not, for all is not lost.  There is a mile-wide loophole in the logic of freedom that condemns us: A loophole first documented by famed behavioral psychologist B.F. Skinner. Skinner’s theory of operant response states that behavior is merely a series of responses to reinforcing stimuli. With his now famous “baby box” experiments, Skinner showed that just as with any other animal, all human action is merely reaction based on past experiences and the nature of a given set of circumstances.  In other words, we have no control over our decisions; free will is merely an illusion created by the psyche to make us feel important.  If we shake off the chains of free will, we cannot be reasonably held accountable for any of our thoughts, decisions, or actions.

Not believing in free will can have countless practical applications.  For example, say that one evening you have a paper to write.  Instead, due to your natural inclinations, you spend three hours browsing the Internet for pornography, play a few rounds of Tekken, and then crash in your lounge.  In the morning, you have a 10am class and no paper to hand in. Now, you could waste a lot of time feeling sorry for yourself, as your fellow classmates are certainly doing, but you won’t.  Why not?  Because you have come to class fully equipped with B.F. Skinner.  You can calmly explain to your teacher that since you have no free will and are slave to your desires, you are really not at fault and thus cannot rightfully be held accountable for the consequences.  Your teacher will smile, nod, and congratulate you on the great moral and philosophical step that you have taken and reward you with a steaming hot ‘A’ on your non-existent paper.  If the teacher does not respond in this manner, and instead labels you a failure, you can still rest secure in the knowledge that you were unjustly condemned by a small-minded tool of the system.

Sounds good, doesn’t it? There’s more.  Say your mother gets hold of your notice of academic probation and wants to know why she bothers supporting such a worthless child who never applies himself and refuses to clean his room.  Sure, you could spend hours pouring over what a horrible child you have been, and how unworthy you are to receive the privilege of a higher education.  Or you could just shrug, say “Sorry, Mom.  No free will.” Grab the Pringles and a Coke from the fridge and go watch an hour of Jerry Springer.  Who can she blame?  Certainly not you!

So you see that the denial of free will can be very useful for absolving yourself from responsibility. It also has widespread applications in the fields of romance, legal defense, and politics.  If you learn the simple skill of refusing to take responsibility now during the college years, it can serve you well for the rest of your life.  So next time you feel like you’ve really screwed things up irreversibly, just remember: It’s not your fault.



If you would like to know more on this exciting topic read Ted Scharff’s new book, “Shirking Responsibility In Twelve Easy Steps.”  To receive your copy, please send $5 (US) plus $4.95 S&H to Ted Scharff & Co. [insert Fed’s Address].  Your package may arrive in 4-6 weeks, or it may not.  Ted Scharff cannot be held responsible for taking your money and spending it on prostitutes and cocaine.