The Fed

Core Under Review

Experts meet to debate the content of the Core Curriculum

Annie Porter

By now you have probably read The Iliad enough time to recite certain passages in your sleep or in an intoxicated state.  Remember, though, that your professors want you to read certain books for the wealth of enlightenment and knowledge they offer.  But don’t just take their word for it.  In order to find out if those “classic” books are really worth the read, just log on to Amazon.com to hear knowledgeable readers worldwide rant and rave about various works of supposed literary art.

Jeremy from England says this of The Odyssey: “I pity all those poor souls who have to endure reading this utter trash.  Every time I read it, it puts my wee self to sleep.  I cannot fathom how even pretentious secondary school teachers can find this book enjoyable!”  A foreign student studying at a boarding school in Connecticut writes that “This book is a must read for anyone, especially a pathetic, desperate, world-weary man looking for revenge.”  We can only wonder if it was on Timothy McVeigh’s book club list.

How do readers rate The Aeneid?  Ronald from Michigan asks, “What kind of poetry is this?  The words don’t even rhyme!  I guess in Virgil’s day there weren’t so many rhyming words in English.  It takes a real poet, like Maya Angelou or Jewel to rhyme the words properly.  ’My hands are small, I know / But they’re not yours, they are my own’  Now that’s poetry!  But turning to the plot of this poem, I don’t get what Juno has against this Aeneas guy.  He seems like a straight fellow, but she is always trying to drown him and stuff.  And what’s the big deal with Rome?  It seems so stupid that Aeneas had to go off and found this city and couldn’t stay with that chick that killed herself.  I’ve been to Rome.  It’s not all that great, and they don’t even speak English.”

What about Dante’s Inferno?  A reader from Zimbabwe writes, “This book rocks the house, man!  It definitely has mad flavor, ya hear?  I loved it to the very bone and I have to give mad props to its funky lyrics and outrageous tone!”  Another testifies, “I was a self-proclaimed sinner before I picked up this book.  Theft, lies… you name it, I had done it.  After reading The Inferno, I would wake up in cold sweats gripping my bed with visions of hell.  I no longer sin.”  Hey, better than therapy!

Think that War and Peace is only read by the old and overeducated?  Guess again!  A reader from Texas complains, “I am eleven, and maybe that’s why I didn’t like the book, but my mom grounded me and I had to read it.  It was the worst punishment I have ever been through.”  You have to admit, that is pretty harsh.  A reader from Illinois was disappointed because “When I sit down to read a book, I look for myself.  In War and Peace, I found myriads of characters, but I did not find one that was courageous, loving, bashful, angry, shy, ticklish, confused, clear thinking, beautiful, handsome, tall, big-boned, wonderful, life-of-the-party, interesting, creative, and desirable.  These are all the qualities I identify as my own.  I did not find one character that had all these qualities.  I am missing that character.  I am the missing piece in what might have been the greatest novel of all time.  He does not compare to Dr. Seuss or that guy who wrote Pride and Prejudice.”  If this man were indeed the missing character, he would probably be represented by some loony in a nut-house.

What about that old high-school classic, The Catcher in the Rye?  Even poor old Holden Caulfield was not spared.  DP from Nebraska writes, “Let me save you the suspense.  It’s about a kid who tells about what has happened to him over the last couple of weeks.  It’s a story my five-year old brother could write!  Pathetic!”  Perhaps Alexander from South Dakota’s review will offer us further insight: “Turkey in the straw, ha ha ha.  Catcher in the Rye, my my my.”  He stole the words right out of my mouth.  Chuck E. Cheese from Planet Mars writes, “Poor Holden.  Will he ever get laid?”  I guess even Martians want some play.  Fitz from California writes, “Holden just didn’t seem messed up enough.  If he were more dysfunctional, with a bad history and more serious problems, I think I’d appreciate it more.”  In an age when Jerry Springer’s “Too Hot for T.V.” was bought by the masses, this attitude is hardly surprising.

So remember, the next time you are considering reading a book, be it for class or pleasure, log on to Amazon.com for the advice of these self-proclaimed literary critics and find out if it’s really worth your time.
April 1, 2000