The Fed

Cthulhu Week Begins at CU

An exclusive interview with God

Noah Fulmor

Of all the Elder Gods, none has commanded more blood sacrifice than Mighty Cthulhu, He Who Sleeps Beneath the Waves. Despite rare public appearances, his cult stretches across the globe, and if recent Internet polls are any indicator, his popularity is at an all-time high.

Yet Cthulhu zealots are often the target of ridicule because of their god’s tendency to eat them. The two thousand foot tall ’Shambling Mountain,’ possesses a tentacled maw nearly the size of a football stadium, and has the capacity to devour entire nation-states.

While little has been heard of Cthulhu recently, due to his currently unending torpor at the bottom of the ocean, we did manage to catch up with him in his L.A. office.

THE FED: Hey there, Cthulhu.
MIGHTY CTHULHU: Hello yourself, petulant mortal.

FED: What brings you to L.A.?
MC: Wouldn’t you like to know? (laughs) Actually, Shub Niggurath, Black Goat With a Thousand Young is involved with an Internet startup. I wanted to, you know, get on board while they were still offering stock options.

FED: ElderGods.com?
MC: No. (Pause) No, some guy had already registered it. We were going to take him to court, you know, because now there are laws, but I ate him instead.

FED: But he’d already registered the name with InterNIC, so...
MC: Exactly. We decided it would be more cost effective to go with something else. We’re still thinking about it. Luckily, I’m still collecting royalties.

FED: Royalties? What from?
MC: (laughs) C’mon! Have you been living in a box? (Sings) ’Pardon me boy, is this the Jair of Great Cthulhu? The city of slime, where it’s night all the time. Oh, your soul will be a’lackin when you hear that mighty Kraken, ooh ooh, Great Cthulhu is starting to speak.’ I forget the rest, but it’s pretty classy stuff.

FED: I guess I missed that one. Who did the cover?
MC: Ah. (Pause) The Buggies did, actually. Remember The Buggies? They’re back. We’ve got another album in the works, but right now things are pretty hush-hush.

FED: Sounds like you’re pretty busy. At Columbia, we’re preparing a sacrificial virgin for the upcoming Cthulhu Week, so that should please you.
MC: (laughs) I wasn’t even going to mention it! I must say, though, you’ve got a lot of work ahead of you if you’re going to trump last year. I mean, I’m still getting free drinks off of stories about that whole thing with the severed arm in the tunnels. (laughs) That still cracks me up. Yeah, you guys do all right. I think I’ll eat Columbia second to last.

FED: Thanks, we try. (Pause) So, how are other things?
MC: Other things? Is that a joke?

FED: You know... Any romantic interests? Are you seeing anyone currently?
MC: Japan.

FED: What? All of them?
MC: Well... (Pause) Many of them. They have this thing about tentacles...

FED: Whoa! Now, hold on--
MC: Listen, man, ’Great Cthulhu sleeps in His house and shapes the dream of what shall be.’ Does it sound like Great Cthulhu sleeps with lots of nubile virgins? Does it sound like Great Cthulhu gets a lot of play? Hell, no! Great Cthulhu takes what he can get. Hold on a minute.

FED: Hey! You just ate that guy!
MC: Yes, I did. And another thing—

FED: I think we’re about out of time.
MC: I’ll say you are.

FED: Well, it’s been a pleasure. Ia Cthulhu!
MC: Thanks. (laughs) Now it’s your turn to go. Wait! One more thing. I want to give a shout out to my boys Yog Sothoth, Azathoth and Hastur, He Who Is Not to be Named. Hah! I named ya, fat bastard. I still haven’t forgotten about that time with Baal the Cat Goddess, either. You still owe me for that. Okay, folks! Goodbye! Take care! The stars are right!