The Fed
Work Sucks!
But at least you don't have one of these jobs
Ted Scharff
Whether you like it or not, the semester is almost over. Graduation looms ominously around the corner. Some of you may be looking to pick up some cash over the summer to support your addictions and extravagant lifestyles. Some of you are facing the shock of having to leave the warm teat of academia for the relentless austerity of the real world. I feel your pain. The sad truth is that, with rare exception, work categorically sucks. There are, however, certain occupations that are worse than others. To make you feel better, here are a few jobs that are as out as a fat kid in dodgeball.Subway Conductor
It may sound like fun to make the choo-choo go. You get a spiffy uniform and an office with a view. You hold hundreds of unwitting human lives in ydur hands. But you have to deal with the knowledge that your entire job consists of making announcements on a loudspeaker and altering the speed of the train when the dispatcher tells you to do so, which means you are in constant danger of being fired and replaced by a moderately sophisticated computer program.
19th Century Coal-Miner
As a coal miner, you get paid three dollars a day to spend ten hours in an underground mineshaft lit only by kerosene lanterns, harvesting the black rock of progress to fuel smoke-belching factories in the city. Your life is consumed by darkness, as every day you stumble home dead tired and stained to the teeth by coal dust. If you don't accidentally stumble across a pocket of explosive methane gas (with the potential to seal you forever into the depths of the earth's crust) you may live long enough to develop silicosis from the thick dust you breathe underground. In that case, you can lie around all day and collect fat disability checks from the comfort of your iron lung.
Indentured Servant
It is a harsh life, and often seems pointless, but for many it is the only hope for eventual independence. Indentured servitude means being provided with housing and enough food for sustenance. Unfortunately, it also entails being bound to work as a slave without seeing any profit until you have remunerated all of your debts. This is also referred to as graduate school.
Mussolini's Stand-in
The job sucks because people assume you are the head honcho, but you get none of the assumed world power. And let's face it, as much fun as it would be to spend all your time dressed up as someone famous and going to parties and such, you are still employed for the main purpose of being a decoy, meaning that, yes, you are a target.
Apprentice Hermit
In short, sackcloths just aren't as durable as they were in the old days. Expect to make frequent repairs to your garb with needle and thread fashioned from, respectively, the bone and sinew of your previous dinner. Studying for a life of divine alienation usually entails living in total isolation until the age of 22, at which point you may venture into the world having perfected your ability to bear removal from all you hold dear. This is also referred to as SEAS. For those who don't know, solitude is the fulfillment of being alone. Loneliness is the anguish of being alone. If you want to experience solitude and loneliness simultaneously, try computer science!
Ratt Groupie
Some say that the fan base for Hair Bands is either gone or relegated to the farthest comers of Rocky Horror audiences. Prove us wrong, noble headbanger. Prove us wrong. You've got your work cut out for you: Ratt declined to tour following the lackluster critical response to their self-titled 1999 release, but your enthusiasm can bring the days of crank-addled, balls-out Rock and Roll back to the mainstream. The fate of American culture, which depends on the success of brother longhair David Lee Roth's comeback tour, rests on your shoulders.
