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Snoop Doggy Dog, Better Get Yo' Self A Jobby Job volume 15 • issue 8 • Working

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Tight Pants, Patriotism, and Ham Equals Spain

Our far flung correspondent phones home from Madrid

Anna Chodos

Spain: Land of sun, flamenco and passion.  A place where little men play with big bulls and Hemingway fought fascists.  A place that doesn't have a Gap.

Could it be any more different than New York?  Am I really going to get a cultural experience to change my whole perspective on life?  Will I really speak like a native Spaniard when I return? – All these thoughts were mine as I applied to a stud abroad program in Madrid.

But when I arrived, life decided once again to beat me over the head with the same old lesson: Nothing is what you think it's going to be.

Not to imply for a moment that Spain is not the wonderful whirlwind of culture it promises to be, or that I am ungrateful to be here.  But as an American in Madrid it behooves me to impart to my countrymen what you really notice when you're here:

1. The lowest birth rate in Europe = the tightest pants.  Both men and women here are victims of a malicious trend: painted on pants.  They wear their pants unyieldingly tight, and although it makes it much easier to sum men up, I have my theories about why Spain maintains the lowest birth rate in Europe.  Or perhaps they do it so they can spot Americans more easily.

2. Failure to pooper scoop is NOT a crime.  Without its dog doody laws and their efficient enforcement, New York would be a landmine of dog droppings.  That's what every Spanish city is.  It makes you aware of just how many dogs per person there are in a city.  Needless to say the consequences are ugly, and I realize now all this silliness may be to create jobs.  The street cleaners are out every night, dutifully battling doody and poo.

3. Kids contribute their Number 2 cents.  Okay, I only saw this once, but it was a mommy holding her little boy like an overstuffed sandwich, arse thrust out, going poo on the street.  Hey mom, there's only 12 cafes per block.  Ask if you can slip into the loo with your little angel.  Jeez!

4. Dead pigs are decoration.  Spaniards are invariably proud of two culinary specialties: Their delicious ham and their “it's not fattening, and crude is the best thing for one's health” olive oil.  They make their delicious ham by hanging the pig leg upside down for however damned long it takes.  So bars, cafes, hotels, department stores, car washes, generally have a nice display of dead pig legs hanging from the rafters and any other perchable space.  Your mouth just waters as you gaze at the tasty ham dangling above you, absorbing flavor from all the cigarette smoke in the air.  Soon it will be ready for you to sink your teeth into.

5. Love is in the air.  People make out in public like it's their job.  Holding hands and kissing in the work place is an appropriate activity.  In the streets it's, “Here?  Okay!”  There's a time, and a very private place, for making whoopie, folks.

6. Porn is family time.  It's on TV.  Very normal TV.  There's no cable here.  So, only solution: put porn on the tele for everyone!  Ain't no shame.

7. Study abroad is a great opportunity to meet a lot of cool…Americans.  You go to a foreign country, you're on an amazingly large program, your classes are with Americans, you make friends with Americans, you can communicate with Americans, you understand Americans.  It just happens.  We are stick together people, and that's okay.

8. Dentistry is a privilege.  One that Americans, thankfully, are well accustomed to.  I have learned to curb my initial response to most Spanish smiles, “Eeeeee-gads!”, and now only notice the most severe cases.  But Spanish teeth are bad.  Colors and configurations of teeth that I could never imagine possible have been spotted on many an otherwise normal looking Joe or Jane.  I tried once to ask a professor if this was some sort of remnant of the oppressive Franco era, but she didn't get it.

8. You're never too young…I've clocked kids at nine years old smoking cigarettes and accompanied many a twelve year old into a bar.

9. America, America, God shed His grace on thee…Here on the other side of the ocean, confronted with any negative opinion of the U.S. of A. you turn into the biggest patriot you know.  Jorge once tried to tell me that Americans were silly for all that death penalty business and gun stuff.  Yeah, well, uh, you just don't understand, you socialist!

10. Spaniards have a lot of negative opinions of the U.S. of A., Land of the Brave and Home of the Free.  They think we're a bunch of puritanical, capitalistic, exploitive and sexually repressed clowns.  Clinton is not highly respected.  But they recognize our power, and are slowly adopting our ways.  Soon, they will be just like us.  Soon.