The Fed

Oh, the Horoscopes!

Meghan Keane

Aries
It's your birth month, but you don't feel like celebrating. Rather than wallow in self-pity, look around and take notice of the things in life that you do have, the lessons you've learned and other things that mark your success. If you still feel like crap, put on some sweat pants and forget about showering today, that always seems to work.

Taurus
Taurean cats are the dullest cats of the zodiac. They do not like change and can become very self-centered. If you get one of these as a pet, don't try to teach it yoga.

Gemini
Straggle to find what is decent and likable in others. When that fails, take names and grab a jack hammer.

Cancer
Of course members of the opposite sex flee from you as if you bad the plague. Your pure sex appeal intimidates them. One day, you will find someone who can match your prowess. Until then, enjoy your solitude, knowing that you have something special that everyone else longs for.

Leo
Unlike Cancer, you are not a narcissistic egoist easily swayed by words of praise. You are a rational being who can distinguish that when I tell YOU that you were born under the best sign, that you are absolutely stunning, and that the world is at your feet, I am being completely unbiased and totally sincere.

Virgo
Calm down. You're stressed out and emotionally beat from waiting and wondering. Hold off on plans to overtake the universe until next month.

Libra
Like Michael J. Fox in "Back to the Future", you're too proud to lay down and be called chicken. Unlike Mike, you are not a life preserver wearing sissy who likes to drink Tab at a bar. However, atrip to the gym couldn't hurt. (Pansy!)

Scorpio
About that new love interest in your life: sometimes a frog remains a frog, even after you kiss him.

Sagitarius
Afraid to hurt others' feelings, you would rather die of frostbite than ask someone to close a window. Invest in a parka.

Capricorn
Sometimes when I wake up, before I put on my make-up, I say a little prayer for you.

Aquarius
When you set your mind to it, you can accomplish anything. Work on Sagitarius' self-esteem, would you?

Pisces
The ozone layer is depleting at an alarming rate that will probably result in a world travesty before the end of the century. Keep using that Aerosol deodorant.