takin' your wallet and stealin' your girl since 1983 volume 15 • issue 3 • Horror

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000 for egg donation?! According to the Columbia Yellow Pages, males can only get "$50 per Acceptable Specimen" for semen donation! What sexism. It’s disparities like this one that make men search out more egalitarian types of fluid harvesting, like plasma donation.
    Sperm Bank of New York Director Albert Noonan testifies to the difficulty of attracting student donors: "we thought we would have a great number of young men willing to donate semen. Many who sign up to start never finish [tee hee] because they are more attracted by other things, whether it is something in the University or an outside career."
    Indeed, it is truly a bleak time when college guys have a greater interest in outside careers than in subsidized masturbation.
    But if an inability to dish out enough money is the problem, why not get matching funds from the Federal Work-Study program? After all, the CCS website boasts a program "designed to promote part-time employment."
    And work-study semen donation would do just that. It would eliminate minutes of wasted labor and funnel them all into a genuine font of wealth. It would be a turnaround the likes of which hasn’t been seen since AllAdvantage.com’s 50-cent/hour web surfing plan. It would be perfect.
    Unfortunately, Noonan is way ahead of me.
"I approached the University with this proposal two years ago. They turned me down flat. They said such a thing was not for Columbia’s ethics," he said indignantly. And why shouldn’t he be annoyed? Apparently, his money is clean enough for ads in the Spec.
    It is a little odd for CCS to turn him down, considering all the great work-study categories the Career Center posts on its website. Personally, I would make a case for code 0639, the Health Professions Aide. This enterprising young man would "assist in clinical situation in field of specialization, e.g. dental ophthalmic, etc." They seem to have omitted "fertility counseling" from their list, but I can’t think of any field that needs clinical assistance more vitally.
    Actually, code 0632, the Computer Assistant, works even better: here one would "assist computer/laboratory staff in preparation of material to be fed into computer." They still examine specimens with electronic aids, if Whoopi Goldberg’s blockbuster "Made In America" isn’t leading me astray, so why the rejection? Why deny this bold altruist in his company’s quest to help students, lesbians, and androphobes alike? I turned to CCS for answers.
    "You’re talking to the wrong person," said CCS worker Susan Chang. "I’m not in right now," said Employer Relations Director Pat Macken. "I’m not returning your e-mail," Executive Director Eleanor Sanchez must have said, as she didn’t return my e-mail.
    So the problem goes unsolved. But don’t give up yet. Never underestimate the time-honored Columbia tradition of combating such bureaucratic stonewalling. If you’re frustrated at your administration’s stout refusal to allow semen donation its rightful place in the Pantheon of legitimate work-study jobs like Tray Artistry, meet on the sundial at noon this Friday.
    If fewer than 500 people attend, we will march twenty blocks towards midtown and shout catchy protest slogans on the way. But if more people show up...then I guarantee things will get messy.