The Fed

Ask the Fed Bitch Goddess

Ginger Gentile

Tired of all of those advice columns that tell you to rely on your inner fortitude and play it safe? Well, the Fed Bitch is here to get  Machiavellian on your ass.  Only write if you want to get shit done, and don't  give a damn about eternal damnation.  Write to [email protected],  subject: Attention Bitch!


Dear Fed Bitch,
I've been told that I am attractive and fun to be around, yet it is impossible  for me to get a date.  Sure, I could easily get laid, but any prospects for a  relationship are non-existent.  All the guys I meet seem like total losers.  Any  suggestions as to how I could find a good man?
-Hopeless in Hartley

Dear Hopeless,
Your problem is an all too common one at Columbia.  Take heart in knowing that it  is not your fault; rather, it is the pool of potential mates you are dealing  with.  The best way to describe this mismatched tragedy is by using a phrase  often used to describe the French situation: "Never have men been so undeserving of their women."  No wonder you are boyfriendless.  You simply do  not want to lower your standards.  This, Hopeless, is a classic mistake, for the  sweetest honey is at the bottom of the barrel.  

Instead of trying to find Mr. Right, look for Mr. Fixer-upper.  He should be  someone you can laugh with, talk to, but are not necessarily attracted to.  Most  importantly, he should have little prior romantic experience and be really desperate to get laid.  These are the ingredients needed to morph him from a  SEAS nerd into a suave stud.  

Once you have located him in the Lerner Game Room, take it slow.  Get to know  him in his own environment, taking mental notes of what you need to change.  Go  on a few dates with him, making sure to give him some sort of play by the  second.  Once you give him some lovin', you will become the center of his  existence.  Continue to play it straight for the next few weeks, reassuring him  that you like him just the way he is.  Then, start to make "suggestions."  These  should always be brought up right before you two get busy, preferably with you  partially naked.  The dialog should go something like this:

You:  (with only your bra and panties on)  "I would love to take you shopping  for some new clothes that will make you look even sexier, because the ones you  wear don't complement your rugged, masculine features.”

Him:  "Of course, Honey. Whatever you want."

This should be the basic pattern you follow.  If he resists, just remind him how  many guys hit on you yesterday (always exaggerate).  In a few months, your guy  will have a new wardrobe, a new body, a stylin' haircut, a new music collection,  and a redecorated room, thanks to your "suggestions."  Just remember to make him  pay for everything ("aren't I worth it, baby?").  Before long, it will be your  guy that will be the envy of all the ladies.  After all, how do you think all of  the hot guys got that way in the first place?  By reading Sports Illustrated?   Please. 
October 17, 1999