The Fed

Lerner Whore-able?

I think so...

Tom Bellin

Frustration runs high on this campus.  No matter what avenue we choose to take, frustration is guaranteed.  We get bad grades because we have lousy professors and crappy textbooks.  We're malnourished because the food is expensive and always bad.  We're poor because we have to pay for school.  We're tired because we fell out of our extra-long, extra-thin bed.

Nowhere can we find satisfaction.  That's why, when little things happen to frustrate us, we react as though something awful has happened.  It's like when Sylvester the Cat is holding the chair and the elephant and the piano and the steam-liner, but then that feather falls on the pile...  We just explode 'cause we can't take it anymore.

Right now on Columbia’s Campus, Lerner is that feather.  It seems that no matter who you talk to, no one is happy with it.  They don't like the ramps.  Or, if they like the ramps, they don't like the auditorium. Or the mailboxes, or the computer lab, or Café 212.  Lerner just doesn't satisfy anyone.

And satisfaction, as I've said, is the name of the game here.  It doesn't matter how much money was spent; if the client isn't satisfied, you've failed.

Now, I'm certain that the administration is searching frantically for quick fixes, but it's hard to put a patch on such a large problem.  Like a Band-Aid (or a maxi pad) on a sucking chest wound, it just ain’t gonna work.  

To make Lerner viable, it needs something so good that it will overshadow the pure idiocy of the building's design.  This will require some sacrifice.  First, we must make room by squeezing out the administrative types from the 4th floor. Then the entire floor must be redesigned.  But the gains to be had far surpass such minor and temporary discomfort.  Safe, protected, and fulfilling sex will be available in abundance for all members of the Columbia Community (Even GS students!).

In order to reflect the diversity of campus life, the greatest effort should be made to ensure that all different sexual preferences are represented.  Space constraints being what they are, however, less popular modes of fornication (say, plastic monkey loving) would face restricted hours and limited use of the facilities.

The CUSS (Columbia University Satisfaction Services) could easily be staffed in a similar manner to Dining Services.  Work-Study students could take the easier tasks (like a quickie on a copy-machine or an under-the-desk blowjob) while Columbia would hire professionals for more strenuous, involved affairs (e.g. the all-day fuckathon).  

Students could pay using their Flex Account or cash and freshmen would be required to sign up for one of three "satisfaction-plans."  This would ensure that freshmen were adequately satisfied.  Because that's what it's all about.  Satisfaction.  

Can you imagine a student complaining about the place where she just had her hardest orgasm ever?  Of course not.  We would refer to the awkward-looking columns with affection and tell humorous stories about slipping on the ramps while distractedly zipping up our flies.

I understand that Columbia cherishes its reputation as a follower and that such a bold move would tarnish this proud tradition, but for once, it's worth it.  Satisfy us and we will pay you back tenfold.  Nothing makes alumni give like the memory of their first all-day fuckathon.
October 17, 1999