The Fed

Horrorscopes
Alex Angert
Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18 Coming home from the latest Broadway play, you will realize-too late, of course-that your cabbie is the Cabbie from Hell. Not only will he be courteous, clean and Caucasian, but he won’t even grumble about the tip. In exchange for this sinfully pleasant ride, however, you will sign away all your cab-hailing skills and be doomed to the 1/9 for eternity.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20 Your insatiable quest for adventure will land you in a seedy bar either too far up-or too far downtown. Though it may seem tame, and even cozy at first, beware of the hidden horrors: sweaty, licetious bouncers, gratuitous smoke inhalation and the inevitable hangover after some mustachioed character named Lou slips you one too many cervezas.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19 Your natural aggression will transcend the usual eggs and TP this Halloween season. Redneck Rampage and Dukem Nuke will finally drive you over the edge. Brady Bill or no Brady Bill, remember to stock up on alibis before taking the law into your own dirty little hands. After all, nothing says horror like 40 to 50 in the State Pen.

Taurus April 20 - May 20 You’re done for. Just say your good-byes and wait for Aries. He’s coming.

Gemini May 21-June 21 Beware the Halloween candy. This is New York, the city of sharp surprises. Devour your stash, and chances are the only celestial twins you’ll be seeing will be Mark and Dave, the CAVA guys, as they wheel your food-poisoned butt into the emergency room.

Cancer June 22-July 22 What’s more scary than Bill Gates on skates? You’re about to find out. This year, it’s Terminator 2 meets 2001: A Space Odyssey as your beloved iMac or PC becomes possessed by a reincarnated Amish man. Bid farewell to your papers, your jealously hoarded porn, and especially all those magical MP3s. Looks like it’s back to the horse and buggy for you.

Leo July 23-Aug 22 We all know that werewolves do not exist. Yet. But thanks to the infernal meddling of Columbia’s own mad scientists, the next full moon will bring more than just drunken feminists dancing in a circle. So stop by Duane Reade for some silver bullets and shoot every hairy thing that moves. And while you’re at it, how about taking out a few of those scientists, too.

Virgo Aug 23-Sept 22 This is my sign. All is well.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 23 The moons of Jupiter align in the seventh house as your constellation is eclipsed by the sun. Translated roughly, this means vampires. So stock up on garlic at JJ’s, lock yourself in the bathroom, and invest in some Anne Rice novels. They won’t give you any good advice, but they will make your paranoia a bit more intellectually stimulating. Am I a twisted little astrologer? Yes I am.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 21 Every dawg has his day. Scorpio, time to take the power back. While all the other fools are out dressing up and trick-or-treating, take advantage of this scary season and learn to resurrect the dead. Once you hit Morningside with an army of zombies at your back, your meal plan and your GPA will be set for life.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21 If your mama ever told you to avoid politics, this is the time to take her advice. Hillary is coming to town, and she’s scarier than Al Gore in a Barney costume. Vote for her and doom yourself to a slow and agonizing hell. Or take the quick way out and throw yourself in front of her limo. At least that way, you’ll get your picture in the paper.

CapricornDec 22 - Jan 19 You will win tickets to a Barbra Streisand concert in beautiful Lerner Hall. Suicide is not an option.
October 17, 1999