The Fed

Horror Dates

Terrifying Tales of Disasterous Dating

Matthew Kondratowicz

Somewhere between the last issue of the Fed, the Love Issue, and this issue, the Horror Issue, lies the frightening and sometimes scarring world of dating. What follows are some accounts of my friends’ and my own personal ventures into this nether region of untold evil. They are by no means presented as a survey of horror dates or as a model for them, but rather as public therapy for the storytellers. Any resemblance to actual events is because they are all true. The names and some details have been changed so that the Fed doesn’t get sued, or at least get a mean letter that will make us cry.

Story 1

As a bright-eyed and innocent freshman lad, I found myself continually running into an attractive fellow student who attended Barnard College. We had been introduced through a common friend some weeks before and had enjoyable and flirtatious conversations whenever our paths crossed. After some time, I decided it would be best to plan a more formal rendezvous and upon my next meeting with this girl I invited her to dinner. To my great satisfaction she happily agreed and we set plans for seven o’clock that coming Saturday.

We did not meet or speak again that week and on Saturday evening, after arriving at the front desk in McIntosh and performing a quick breath-check, I called up to my date’s room. The conversation, though quite short and simple, struck me as odd. She sounded surprised, then anxious. Miss X arrived at the sign-in desk a few moments later in informal attire – certainly inappropriate eveningwear for our dinner plans. Had she forgotten? Had my lateness (I had arrived about fifteen minutes after seven) been taken as rude?
She greeted me pleasantly, signed me in, and invited me to come up. The short walk to her dorm room was spent in silence and upon entering her room she walked all the way to her bed and sat down quickly. I remained near the door and awaited some explanation.
    
She began: "We need to talk." I nodded. She continued: "Remember when I told you about Greg?  (Greg was her ex-boyfriend who she had mentioned once in passing.) Well, he sort of called me this morning, and he said that he was sorry, and that he still loved me, and that he wanted me to marry him and I said yes. Isn’t that wonderful! I’m sorry I forgot about our plans but I’ve been so giddy I completely forgot about it." A very still pause. "If you give me a few minutes I’ll get ready and we can still go...you know, as friends."

Perhaps it was the complete shock of this development, a form of emotional S&M, or a hormonally induced belief that I still held a chance with this girl, but I actually agreed to continue with the evening. The rest of the evening was, as you might expect, filled with a discussion of everything from how she would like the wedding to be to what nice names for the children would be. At least she paid for her half of dinner, so I guess it could have been worse.

Story 2

Mike, a young boy dealing with the height of his pubescent awkwardness in Boston, is invited on a double date by his good friend John. John had arranged for the two of them to accompany a pair of "cute girls" to dinner and a movie. Mike happily agreed.
On the set day the two boys proceeded to a nearby park where the two girls were to pick them up. After an anxious wait, a car pulled up and Mike, following John’s lead, went to meet it. Upon opening the door Mike was greeted by the sight of a dreadlocked girl with multiple facial piercings – a style that was not exactly Mike’s, an upper-middle-class suburban good Jewish boy, cup of tea.

The arranger of the date took the shotgun seat, a relieving indication to Mike that this was his date and that Mike’s date was the girl sitting in the backseat, where his attention now turned. Mike tried door number two and was met, once again, with a surprise. He described his date as being "pleasant looking" but only distinguishable as a female by the two small earrings she wore.

Now in the car, Mike, making an honest attempt to look beyond physical characteristics to "the person inside", attempted to begin a bit of small talk with his androgynous companion. His comments were met with silence, though she did take out a small notepad and begin writing. Mike’s offence at this blatant dismissal of him was shortly ended however when she passed the note to him. It read: "My name is Lindsay. I just got my jaws wired shut so I have to write stuff down." Mike now realized that not only was he stuck on a date with a girl he found completely unattractive, but on a date with a mute girl he found completely unattractive.

In the unique ambiance of The Ground Round (the chosen dinner spot) Mike experienced the greatest trial of the evening. As the group began to look over the menu, trying  to decide about their meal, Lindsay removed a plastic needleless syringe from her purse, nonchalantly placed it in her drink, drew up a syringe-full of Coke, put it in her mouth and emptied the syringe there. This system was far from perfect and half the liquid spilled from her "feted-jowls" and drooled down the side of her mouth. Mike attempted to hide from this sight behind his menu, but with little success. This is the last thing Mike really remembers about the date and the psychologists have not been able to get any more out of him.

Shorts:

J went on a date with a guy she had met recently and after a nice evening they ended up in his room. After kissing for about ten seconds the guy jumped back into the corner of the bed, curled up into the fetal position, and began sucking his thumb while rocking back and forth for about a minute. Afterwards, the guy got up and attempted to pick up right where they had left off. When J tried to bring up the whole "fetal position" thing the guy became irately upset and asked her to leave.

Back in 7th grade, K was invited on a "date" by a female friend to go to her house on the shore with her family. Upon getting there she informed him that she was actually also seeing a high-school boy who happened to be a skinhead. Several times during the weekend K and the girl were asked by the girl’s mother to guard the door to her bedroom as she would be having sex with her [?] and there was no lock on the door.  The girl had two younger brothers.
October 17, 1999