Good resolutions are like gold: shiny, dense, ductile, malleable, and represented by the symbol Au. (Aurum? But I hardly even know him!)

This might be a good place for the Scriba to stash resolutions that weren't selected but are very good (when this happens). Also, we can keep an ongoing list of resolutions we've actually used (sorted by date would be nice).

What we haven't used (yet):

• Resolved: If you poke a hole in the condom, you're the father.
• Resolved: Seduction is for animals.
• Resolved: Seduction junction, what's yo' fucktion?
• Resolved: I am VERY aroused.
• Resolved: I am VERY seduced.
• Resolved: I am VERY animal.
• Resolved: If you have sex, the unicorn will get you.
• Resolved: Incest is fun for the whole family.
• Resolved: There is nothing manlier than gay sex.
• Resolved: I appreciate a sizable posterior and I find myself on this matter quite unable to prevaricate.
• Resolved: I'm not trying to be an asshole, really!
• Resolved: The meaning of life is irrelevant.

Resolution Archive

The following is a reverse chronological order listing of resolutions debated by the Philolexian Society:

Spring 2009

• Resolved: Postmodernism is behind the times
• Resolved: Fashion is not art
• Resolved: Animal rights come at the expense of human needs
• Resolved: Baby boomers are the worst generation ever (Geezer Night)
• Resolved: First-year housing should be shittier
• Resolved: The Holy Land should be returned to the British Empire
• Resolved: Writing about music is like dancing about architecture
• Resolved: I like my toast like I like my women
• Resolved: February 5, 2009
• Resolved: Abortion is gay

• Resolved: If you stop hoping and dreaming, Obama will die

  Fall 2008

• Resolved: Gay marriage isn't wrong, all marriage is wrong.

• Resolved: What alcohol cannot fix is not a problem.
• Resolved: College students are above the law.
• Resolved: An addiction to elegance is a virtue, not a vice.
• Resolved: Children's stories shouldn't end happily ever after. (Geezer Night)
• Resolved: You're a commodity on the sex market, and your price is going down.
• Resolved: Social science is to science as tofu is to food.
• Resolved: The laws of science are unconstitutional.
• Resolved: Carmen Sandiego is a positive female role model.
• Resolved: Refrigerators make crime inevitable.

• Resolved: Natural selection is over. We won!

  Spring 2008

• Resolved: The easy way is always the best way.

• Resolved: Shooting people is bad.
• Resolved: Pope v. Bear
• Resolved: Bring back prohibition.
• Resolved: All literature should be choose-your-own-adventure.
• Resolved: Perspective solves everything. (Geezer Night)
• Resolved: We only want what's bad for us.
• Resolved: Murderers are an essential part of our ecosystem.
• Resolved: Penguins deserve to fly.
• Resolved: We are going to run out of reasons to live before we run out of natural resources.
• Resolved: Art cannot be made intentionally.
• Resolved: Having an embarrassing name is worse than having an embarrassing face.

• Resolved: Roofies are for lazy fuckers.

  Fall 2007

• Resolved: Blogging is a bigger threat to our society than AIDS.

• Resolved: Encourage stem-cell research to kill babies.
• Resolved: BITCH SET ME UP!
• Resolved: Madness and genius are separated by degrees of success.
• Resolved: Offense taken at art is a sign of weakness on the part of the observer. (Geezer Night)
• Resolved: Ugliness is the result of personal failure.
• Resolved: Vegetarians don't care as much about animals as they say.
• Resolved: Naked People are much hotter than clothed people
• Resolved: Suffering Makes you Legitimate
• Resolved: The detrimental effects of smoking do not outweigh how cool you look doing it.

• Resolved: The 21st Century will be characterized by unceasing boredom.

  Spring 2007

• Resolved: If you say it loud, it's true.

• Resolved: Everyone is an asshole when you get to know 'em. (Geezer Night)
• Resolved: Student government is incredibly lame (a recurring special)
• Resolved: The Dead Have It Better Than the Living.
• Resolved: English is the Sexiest Language.
• Resolved: Sacrilege is Subjective
• Resolved: People on Welfare Rarely Fare Well.
• Resolved: Parents have no business raising children.
• Resolved: Monogamy is for Girls
• Resolved: Change comes through the barrel of a gun

• Resolved: Everyone Hates America Because We Are Fat

  Fall 2006

• Resolved: Organized sports are a greater threat to society than organized religions.

• Resolved: Legalize marijuana; ban potheads.
• Resolved: Children are our future...unless we stop them now!
• Resolved: Somebody should do something about all the problems.
• Resolved: It's miserable to be middle-class.
• Resolved: Money is wasted on the old. (Geezer Night)
• Resolved: Save us, not the whales.
• Resolved: "Stop being a pussy!" is not offensive
• Resolved: End Male Suffrage.
• Resolved: Most problems solve themselves, given time and wilful ignorance.
• Resolved: Science geeks are sexier than humanities geeks.

• Resolved: Combat global warming by moving the Earth farther from the Sun.

  Spring 2006

• Resolved: Google has killed the search for truth

• Resolved: April 20, 2006
• Resolved: April 13, 2006
• Resolved: Progress is measured in large explosions.
• Resolved: Feminism killed chivalry.
• Resolved: Property is theft.
• Resolved: All history is black history.
• Resolved: Let's get back to our roots and work the land.
• Resolved: Humanity has killed natural selection.
• Resolved: The human race will be extinct in our lifetimes.
• Resolved: Words suffocate thought.
• Resolved: Gender equality can only be achieved in deep space.

• Resolved: Ignorance is strength.

  Fall 2005

• Resolved: Life will be better under the sea

• Resolved: Everyone has culture... except white people.
• Resolved: Faith is sexier than reason
• Resolved: All history is biography
• Resolved: The people who make interesting art are never interesting. (Geezer Night)
• Resolved: There is no such thing as progress.
• Resolved: The national debt should be lowered through the use of a fast-food tax.
• Resolved: Love is biology masquerading as poetry.
• Resolved: The Supreme Court Should Be Chosen By Lottery.
• Resolved: Inheritance has no place in the capitalist system.

• Resolved: “March of the Penguins” is the harbinger of the coming revolution.

  Spring 2005

• Resolved: Death is an Illusion

• Resolved: April 7, 2005
• Resolved: Only the Grammatically Conscious Deserve a Home on the Internet
• Resolved: End the Space Program
• Resolved: There is no reason to do anything
• Resolved: If you stole it, you've earned it.
• Resolved: Conversation is a Dying Art (Geezer Night)
• Resolved: Religion is the Stimulant of the People
• Resolved: February 3, 2005
• Resolved: Shallow is the New Deep

• Resolved: New York City is the True City of Brotherly Love (Special Philomathan visit debate)

  Fall 2004

• Resolved: Censorship is the highest form of flattery

• Resolved: Chicks dig scrawny pale guys
• Resolved: Vegans are lower on the food chain
• Resolved: There is no habitat for humanity.
• Resolved: We need more chlorine in the gene pool
• Resolved: Minimalism is just another word for laziness
• Resolved: Companies love misery
• Resolved: Undergarments are so twentieth century
• Resolved: Instead of killing imaginary monsters, just talk to people.
• Resolved: Social cripples should get disability benefits.
• Resolved: Suicide should be decriminalized.
• Resolved: All the Iraqi interim government needs is an orientation week.

  Spring 2004

Fall 2003

Only Orientation through October 23, 2003 available

• Resolved: We must strike now, while England is weak
• Resolved: October 16, 2003
• Resolved: October 9, 2003
• Resolved: New York City should outlaw cars
• Resolved: Successful plagiarism is creative writing
• Resolved: History is written by the victors, but studied by losers
• Resolved: The Coyote is a Far More Appealing Figure than the Roadrunner... In a Miltonian "Better to Rule in Hell than Serve in Heaven," Tragic, Rebellious Kinda Way.
• Resolved: A jury has no more right to kill you than I do.

• Resolved: The lemmings know something that we don't

  Resolutions culled from the Philo flyer archive of Thalia Robakis (Ca. 1999)

• Resolved: Art is bunk

• Resolved: Belief in God makes people do silly things and then yell at each other about it
• Resolved: Mental masturbation is birth control for intellectuals
• Resolved: Intelligence is an illusion; stupidity is all too real
• Resolved: Sometimes it helps to have victims

• Resolved: Old age is not worth sticking around for

  Resolutions culled from the Philo flyer archive of Adam Fields (Ca. 1994-1996)

• Resolved: Agnosticism is a form of cowardice

• Resolved: Barbie lives in spiritual impoverishment
• Resolved: Blunders are worse than crime
• Resolved: Barnard girls are easy
• Resolved: Conversio Virum should be readmitted to Earl Hall
• Resolved: Dammit, we should be learning about dead, white males!
• Resolved: Dr. Seuss should be taught in the Core Curriculum
• Resolved: Fuck art, let's kill
• Resolved: Give us back the Cold War
• Resolved: Happiness is fleeting, pain is real
• Resolved: Hate makes the world go 'round
• Resolved: Hedonism is the highest form of education
• Resolved: History is better than science, and always fucking will be!
• Resolved: Human dignity is worth more than economic progress
• Resolved: If you don't work, you shouldn't eat
• Resolved: If you love somebody, set them on fire
• Resolved: Insanity is no excuse for murder
• Resolved: It's better not to ask
• Resolved: Marriage is just a license to fuck legitimately
• Resolved: More attractive people really are better
• Resolved: Nothing beats tension like killing your neighbors
• Resolved: Of all major religious figures, Buddha would have made the best DJ
• Resolved: Only obey good laws
• Resolved: Paranoia is better than apathy
• Resolved: Republicans are the tools of satan
• Resolved: Revenge is the poor delight of petty minds
• Resolved: Science is more important than the humanities
• Resolved: Self-worship is the only valid religion
• Resolved: Some cultures deserve to perish
• Resolved: Stop marching, get a gun
• Resolved: Student government is amazingly lame
• Resolved: Student government is still, once again, for the fifth smash year, amazingly lame
• Resolved: Student government is still, perpetually, continually, and yet again for the sixth year, amazingly lame (it would appear that this meme, a staple of early April debates, began in April of 1990)
• Resolved: The best form of government is no government at all
• Resolved: The brothel is the touchstone of female empowerment
• Resolved: The path to enlightenment leads directly through the Dorito(R) Aisle
• Resolved: The proposed increase in class size will destroy the College
• Resolved: The struggle to maintain identity is stronger than the desire to assimilate
• Resolved: Tolerance of homosexuality should be taught in NYC schools
• Resolved: Trust is out of style
• Resolved: When in doubt, choose the more complicated solution
• Resolved: Women already have equality
• Resolved: Yield to temptation - it may not come your way again
• Resolved: You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake