End of the Year Bemusings
Ah, the end of the year is upon us. Euphoria, sadness, optimism, disappointment, and Shakespeare, all coalescing into one big invisible black marble sundial. We at the Fed have a list of things before we head off to do our thing, and we'd like to share it with you:
- Atone for our various sins, both major and minor.
- Create a work of questionable artistic merit.
- Hum Broadway showtunes while strolling through Barnard's campus.
- Fulfill our campaign promise to install air conditioning in John Jay.
- Say farewell to the view from the tennis courts.
- Lose our virginity.
- Play real-life Donkey Kong.
- Finish laying out page 13.
We wish the best of luck to our graduating seniors — Kareem, who will bring civility and grace to the Web, and failing that, become Anna Wintour's slave at Condé Nast — and Jamie, who, after her punk-rock phase runs its course, will settle down with her future husband in a nice Portland suburb and run a burlesque house on the side.
Wear plenty of sunblock, kids. And don't forget to smile, even if it's that creepy Cheshire Cat grin.
Enjoy the delayed online version of the April issue and the not-delayed new May issue.
Millennium BLOW OUT! Every Sycophant Go! W
ho are they, you ask. They are Them. (Haven't you read this column before?) The Man. Corporate America. The Beautiful People, (see the Gap ads.) They have slouched through the last 1,000 years towards 1999, waiting to be born into a new Century of conformity! They infiltrate and undermine. They brainwash and consume. They are looking for converts. To have a fighting chance of not becoming Them, you must diligently keep on They Watch, as so many others did not. Doctrinal Differences
Catholics admit that Protestants were right: Not through works alone! Nice going, il Papa. We would have had all those wars anyway, right? Just 'cause. Protestants, 1; Catholics 0 in triple overtime and it looks like The Great Schism=They! Gender
If they hadn't put that pink diaper on me, I would have been six feet tall with pecs like truck axles. Damnit! Gender=They! The Ocean
All we ever got was fish and sunburn. At least if we'd sailed off the edge we'd have had a good story. It's so big: who would have figured it was utterly useless! We spent so much time, and you can't even drink it! The Ocean=They! Democracy
Hey, so there's more of you. I have more cheeseburgers. Why don't I rule? Y'all aren't gonna be waving that American flag around and singing 'Born in the USA' when Donald Trump is President. When the majority doesn't know best, Democracy=They! The Space Program
Humanity's most impressive accomplishment? Topping out the list of 'benefits of the moon landing' according to NASA is: Tang. If I see one more picture of some white guy hitting golf clubs in a $1,500,000 space suite, after a shuttle ride that cost $50,000,000,000,1 am going to launch a rocket right up JFK's ass! Next on the list of NASA projects: break world record for number of people fit in a phone booth at one time. They got us all excited, and now we're not sure why, but we're beginning to suspect that NASA=They! Y2K
It was old Mister MacGreggor all along! Millennial Fear=They!