The Fed

Yoda Takes On the Presidental Candidates

Tom Bellin

Funny, America is. Vote, most people do not. Still, care they do if drugs, candidates did. Yes. Care about private lives, they do. "Important for moral character," they say. Fun it is, for them, I think. Huheehee. Yes, fun it is, but not for candidates!

So eager, are they. Already there is conflict. Their character, clearly can I see; discuss it they do, on CNN. Transparent they are. Anger! There is much anger! Seek perfection, do you? Flawed are all creatures.

Why do you seek Yoda? 900 years I have reached, knowledge I have gained. Future can I see, sometimes. The truth cannot hide from the Force. Hazy, the future sometimes is. Clouded it is, by emotion. Tell you what I know, I will. Big nice guy, I am.

George W. Bush

I sense much good in this one. Strong in the Force; he is. Like his father.

Clear to me is the past. Drugs this one did in college, but caught he was. Stoner buddies, bailed on him they did. Only his father could save him. Respect he lost for druggies. In its place, hatred grew. Revenge he took. Strict drug-laws he passed.

Turn to the Dark Side, his father did. Strong in the dark ways, he became. Servant to the Emperor, he was. Part machine, his father became.

Though the dark path, the son has walked on, saved he can be. Confused he is. Lost. Battles, he wages against himself. Decide he must if he stands for good of all, or good of himself. Wack, his decisions sometimes are. People’s names, he sometimes forgets. Nancy, he called me once.

Patrick Buchanan

Buchanan, he does know me? Hates me, I know he does. Sense it, I can. Little am I. Green am I. Alien am I. Super-genius, last living master of the Force am I not? Buchanan cares not. Contribute to society, don’t I? Kick me out, Buchanan would. On light-saber, skewer him I would. Hmmm. Good would that be.

Hmph. Cannot. Force to be used only for defense. Tempted I am. Make him walk off a cliff, I would. Use mind-control I would.

Credit:
Future, I predict. Kick him out, the Republicans did. Bush they prefer. Reform Party he joins with Perot and Ventura. Huheehee. Become marginalized, Buchanan has. Future is clear; president he will not be.

Al Gore

Swamp tree. Remind me of home, Gore does. Moist, Gore needs to be, then like him more I would. Invite him to Dagobah. Stroll around the grounds, we would. I sense Dagobah he would like.

Happy it makes me, Gore’s ecological policy. Nice suits, he has. Mmmmm. Speaks intelligently, does Gore. Understands silence sometimes better than speaking.

Sigh: Still, politician he is. Corrupt he is. Boring like dead log, he is. President, Gore may be, but caught he will get. Acting-sad Gore? Acting-repentent Gore? Cannot imagine. Gore acting like wood, easy to see.

Nice it might be, though. Straight-man president, America to have. Sick of goofy actor-types, I am.

Bill Bradley

Tall. Very tall. I sense that like him more I would, if shorter he were.

More popular, basketball stardom makes him; his campain richer, it makes. Outsider he is. Like that, the people do. Folksy style, he has. Appeal he does to poor. Meanwhile, basketball friends get money from rich America. Best of both worlds, Bradley has.

Point to something, Bradley cannot. Ask him hard questions, the press does. Waffle like Clinton, vague like Clinton. Naive towards politics, Bradley is.

Effective he may not be. Reminiscent of Jesse Ventura, his candidacy is. Hopeless administrator, Ventura turned out to be. Hmmmm.

Yoda

Mine for the taking, the presidency is. Run for office, I must. Easy, it will be. Smart, am I. Good with babies, am I. Love me, the ladies do.

Use mind tricks, I will not have to do.

December 1, 1999