(We open on a stage with two podiums, from which the candidates speak. In the audience sits the moderator. The debate begins.)
Moderator: Good evening, and welcome to this year’s Republican primary debate. Our two candidates this evening, George W. Bush, Governor of Texas, and Yoda, Jedi Master of the swamp planet Dagobah, are sure to provide stimulating and interesting discussion on today’s relevant issues. I’m your moderator, Our Lord Jesus Christ. Let’s get started.
Mr. Bush, throughout your campaign you have catered to the Hispanic community, while at the same time opposed that very same community’s development within your home state. How do you reconcile these two seemingly contradictory positions?
George W. Bush: Now Mr. Jesus, mi hombre, I’ve always supported the La-tee-nos whenever and wherever I’ve had the chance. Just last week, I ate at a Taco Bell. All the folks down there are fine, hardworking Americans. And if ya go drive-thru, ya hardly even have to look at ’em.
Yoda: (disgusted) Sick you are making me.
M: Yoda, what about the Lando Calrissian issue? You must admit that the role of minorities in your galaxy is rather grim. Besides Lando, they are all either deformed or covered in Latex. How can you support such a bigoted galaxy, even if it is far, far away?
Yoda: Care, I do not. Insignificant are they to the Force.
M: That seems rather harsh. After all, I saw Episode One, and wasn’t Samuel L. Jackson on the Jedi Council?
Yoda: Ha! Fetcher of snacks Samuel L. Jackson is. Coffee boy for Master Yoda Samuel L. Jackson always will be.
GWB: Now, I’d like to take this opportunity to point out that Mister Yoda --
GWB: Master Yoda here is unnecessarily condescending to the Black-Americans. I’m not saying they have to get me coffee! I’m just saying they shouldn’t be expecting any special equal treatment, or Cabinet posts, or anything like that.
Yoda: (angered) Go you must!
GWB: (flustered) Now sweet Jesus, I do not see any reason why I have to leave!
Yoda: Oh, but you will. You will. M: Mr. Bush, flattery will get you nowhere. Lastly, Master Yoda, didn’t you think that Episode One was impersonal and badly written?
M: But that Natalie Portman, my Father in Heaven, is she tasty.
GWB: No kiddin’, Jesus! She’s hotter than Princess Leia in a gold bikini.
M: (turns to Bush, arm outstretched) Was the question directed to you, Mr. Bush?!
GWB: Uh, no, no, it wasn’t. Don’t be mad, Jesus. My daddy can write you a check!
M: Do not worry, my son. I love all my children equally. (Bush sighs with relief) Cokehead. Now, on to our final question of the evening. Mr. Bush, what is your opinion on American involvement in East Timor and its relation to the Balkan war? Can we get involved in one and not the other?
GWB: I think that, um, that we should definitely, well, I guess... What was the question again? Ahm, yes, I would address that problem with - love. With compassion. With heavily fortified armies of compassion.* I would show the Timorish that I empathize with their plight and that I hablo their langua. It’s all about cultural understanding, and loving your neighbor, and doing onto others, excetera excetera.
M: SILENCE! Your nose is covered with more shit than a Chris Ofili painting. George "my sins don’t count because I blacked out in a pool of vomit" Bush, I’m sick of you! I hate your lies like "I know where Kosovo is on a map."* And for Christ’s sake, if you introduce me as an Israeli at one more dinner party I’m going to judge you, and judge you rough! So why can’t you answer the damn question!!!**
(Bush is silent)
M: Forget it! Returning to the issues. Now we turn to Yoda. So what is your solution to the situation in East Timor and our role as world policeman?
Yoda: Wrong it is, Jesus. Rule world we cannot. Enemies in the world we make. DANGER! Stop the will of purchases. Down Lucasfilm stock options will go.
M: Um, thank you, Yoda for your take on the economic effects of war and its personal relevance. And we’re out of time. That concludes the Republican Primary debates. I’m your host, the Master of the Universe. Good night, from New Hampshire ....
* - Note: This is an actual quote by George W. Bush.
** - The opinions expressed by the moderator in this passage do not reflect the views of many Americans. We at the Fed are merely portraying Jesus as we see him to be. We love him too, just as much as George W. Bush.