The Fed

Fed Bitch Goddess

Ginger Gentile

Credit: Stephen Grant
Stephen Grant
Since my last two columns have been offering advice to the ladies, this one’s for the boyz.

Dear Fed Bitch,

Last week my best friend invited me to his birthday bash at Scores, the famous strip club where porn stars perform. I really want to go, but my girlfriend "Debi" said no way. How can I convince her that it’s really important I celebrate my best friend’s birthday with him and go to Scores?

-Frustrated in Furnald


Dear Frustrated,

Next time you want to go to a strip club, lie! If you know your girlfriend isn’t cool with stuff like this, it isn’t necessary to tell her as long as you don’t make it a habit.

However, there must be a reason she doesn’t approve. To be able to go in peace, you have to get to the root of her problem. Some women are intimidated by the fantasies their boyfriends have about other women, especially when these are fantasies of watching a porn star shake her ass five inches from his face. These "dream women" wield so much negative power over Debi because she has been trained to believe that her body, which you probably get really turned on by, is full of imperfections ranging from too much fat to too little breast tissue. In order to convince her to allow you to go, you need to divest the strippers of their power and re-focus the context of the night out with your friends as merely that-a boy’s night out You must explain to Debi that there is no competition between her and these strippers, in your eyes. You care for her and like every bit about her (list all of her positive physical and mental attributes here) while the dancers are just bodies to you. Yet because you are a guy, you occasionally need the visual stimulation of looking at other women to satisfy the "evolutionary urge" to have many sexual partners. By looking at strippers, just like by jerking off to pom, you are able to lessen this urge. Thus, when you are with her, you will be less tempted to check out other women.

If that isn’t enough, explain to her what it is actually like in a New York City strip club. Thanks to Giuliani, lap dances are a thing of the past. Strippers are not prostitutes, especially at a swank club like Scores. Even if they were, it is doubtful that you, a poor college student, would be able to afford one. Remind her that you would never hire one anyway, because there is no sense in paying for it when you can get the best in the world, her, for free. Most importantly, strip clubs are places where guys can get together and talk about raunchy stuff, kind of like a female slumber party.

If this fails to convince her, pull the trump card. Tell her that she needs to trust you to be faithful as much as you trust her to be. If she cannot agree to this, then you have far greater problems in your relationship than not being able to stuff dollar bills in some woman’s g-string.

December 1, 1999