The Fed

Preparing for the End

With the Right Shampoo You Can Meet the Messiah Looking Your Best

Anindita Sinha

Everyone knows that the "end of the century" is only a few weeks away. Some are taking it in stride, while others are ready to take out their oxygen tanks and hyperventilate in fear of the coming apocalypse.

Of course, businesses are having a ball with this, using every means of propaganda possible to frighten the weaker ones’ into thinking that the much publicized "Y2K" is something to worry about. Surfing through the net, cracking open the morning edition of the Times, or even taking a walk down the street - one sees hundreds of potential scams that are all ironically, ’Y2K’ compliant least, that what THEY, the businesses, would have you believe.

They have been going out of their way for the past two years or so in order to make the public believe that Y2K is a serious problem, and then have been attempting to make the public believe that they, and only THEY, are the ONLY ones who know that this is going to BE a problem. Keeping this in mind, wouldn’t anyone find it a little weird that any net site that states that they give the statistics about the y2k update for a company ends up being a dead end on the net?

The Internet is a great source of y2k bull. Typing y2k’ in a search engine yields an overwhelming deluge of ’y2k’ crap. Ever heard of ? You heard it HERE first....this is website that offers a variety of y2k junk that no one will ever need, but should buy "just in case ..." (you can almost hear the drop in their voice). Everything from ’y2k alternative energy’ to ’y2k maps...all YOU need to know’ to ’y2k compliant food’ is available here. Their mission statement (emblazoned conspicuously at the center of the page) is to restore the rightful health of Planet Earth in the millennium; The noticeable thing? Not an item under $20.00. Who said helping Mother Earth stopped anyone from lining their own pockets?

Seen in a South Jersey mall were "Y2k beauty survival" kits. Everything ANYONE needs to keep that lipstick perfectly applied and those nails filed when that apocalyptic meteor hits earth. At least there is this comfort - no one can say that you weren’t sitting pretty!

With y2k scams galore, can our noble capital be far behind? No, sirree -- is just one of the many ’insider sites’ that claim to have THE juice on what our government is cooking up for the new year: A ’former senior White House official’ will give YOU, the innocent duped public citizen, the REAL story behind y2k. Why we should always be forced to listen to ’former officials’, I’ll never understand, but for ONLY SI9.95 (don’t forget shipping), you will be given THE REAL reasons to freak out. (But don’t expect to get any real names when you read it....for ’security reasons’ the author has used a pseudonym. Now that’s drama!)

Need a man’s help with your y2k problems?, (and no, I don’t mean that kind of help). Go to and pick up a copy of "Practical Jack’s Checklist for y2k"; The distinguished author mentions with much humility that he is but an "Ohio farmboy wandering through life".

He has traveled this great distance just to teach us what he has learned about y2k, after countless chats with squirrels and the occasional Iowa hog. His mother and father proudly declare on the site that his book is the ’best work since Huck Finn’. Summary? It has everything you need to know about what NOT to do for the millennium.

Go to 5680/Y2k.html and you will get an animated summary of all the ’possible worries’ that the website creators can come up with for the coming millennium. Everything, from stock market crashes to communication to taking a shower post January-1 is on their list of worries. For a good set of cartoons, enter this site. For a headache, read the vignettes on the site. is yet another site that has THE solution - buy their book, titled Y2K: Ready or Not? - only $9.95 (a steal compared to most other volumes being peddled on the net) and you will be y2k compliant for....well, let’s not define a definite time span. After all, one of the co-authors’ claim to inherent knowledge about y2k is that he successfully weathered ’tropical storms and winter blizzards’. His view is that because he survived those, those experiences make him more practical and self helping than others. In that case - I claim that I am completely knowledgeable about all y2k matters - live in a typhoon country!

How is this for a joke? Check out - a company in Indiana that is selling ’y2k friendly food’ contained in pouches. Something like NASA food, only it supposedly is not space friendly. But never fear - it may not like space, but it is "the correct mealtime solution for emergencies, y2k, and outdoor adventures!" Interesting how they equate the three... "What better gift to give your loved ones than an edible survival kit?" is one of their slogans. How about a funeral plot? Hell, if you’re going to remind your loved ones of y2k on Christmas, might as well go all the way.

Protect your investments...order the "Double Whammy" book from today! Author Robert G. Logan will tell you all you need to know about saving your money from possible ’mistakes’. Only $19.95; and as an added bonus, it is written by a securities broker!!! -- Wait a second, aren’t they the people who end up losing your money anyhow in every normal year?

So what can the public do to defend themselves from this overwhelming plethora of scams? The simplest solution - keep eyes and ears shut tight until the fateful day arises. Forget what all those so-called experts say - since no-one has really experienced the millennium yet, no-one really knows what to expect. And remember when that apple falls in Times Square this December, and everyone waits breathlessly for an explosion (or a messiah) - just take a deep breath and smile. Your computer at home is y2k compliant (thanks to Microsoft), and the new millennium is still a year away.

December 1, 1999