The Fed

THEY Watch

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Millennium BLOW OUT! Every Sycophant Go!

Who are they, you ask. They are Them. (Haven't you read this column before?) The Man. Corporate America. The Beautiful People, (see the Gap ads.) They have slouched through the last 1,000 years towards 1999, waiting to be born into a new Century of conformity! They infiltrate and undermine. They brainwash and consume. They are looking for converts. To have a fighting chance of not becoming Them, you must diligently keep on They Watch, as so many others did not.

Doctrinal Differences
Catholics admit that Protestants were right: Not through works alone! Nice going, il Papa. We would have had all those wars anyway, right? Just 'cause. Protestants, 1; Catholics 0 in triple overtime and it looks like The Great Schism=They!

Gender
If they hadn't put that pink diaper on me, I would have been six feet tall with pecs like truck axles. Damnit! Gender=They!

The Ocean
All we ever got was fish and sunburn. At least if we'd sailed off the edge we'd have had a good story. It's so big: who would have figured it was utterly useless! We spent so much time, and you can't even drink it! The Ocean=They!

Democracy
Hey, so there's more of you. I have more cheeseburgers. Why don't I rule? Y'all aren't gonna be waving that American flag around and singing 'Born in the USA' when Donald Trump is President. When the majority doesn't know best, Democracy=They!

The Space Program
Humanity's most impressive accomplishment? Topping out the list of 'benefits of the moon landing' according to NASA is: Tang. If I see one more picture of some white guy hitting golf clubs in a $1,500,000 space suite, after a shuttle ride that cost $50,000,000,000,1 am going to launch a rocket right up JFK's ass! Next on the list of NASA projects: break world record for number of people fit in a phone booth at one time. They got us all excited, and now we're not sure why, but we're beginning to suspect that NASA=They!

Y2K
It was old Mister MacGreggor all along! Millennial Fear=They! 
December 1, 1999